Leonardo da Vinci
God sells us all things at the price of labor.
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I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.”
@StefenColalillo
On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to
abbreviate, Mom.
@HollyLouHarris
My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.”
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“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.
“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”
“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.
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Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman.
Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin.
Me: Oh, thank you.
Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you.
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At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber.
“Maybe the list is alphabetical,”
I offered.
So he started searching from the bottom of the list: “Q … Q … Q …”
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My husband was driving
home from work when he was
pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later—same ticket, same cop.
“So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?”
“Yes, I have,” said my husband. “I’ve learned I need to take a
different way home from work.”
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Faculty at our university had to file an explanation when they gave a grade of Incomplete. One semester, a professor’s report read “Student #1 contracted mononucleosis. Student #2 contracted pregnancy.”
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A customer walked up to my
bank window and asked me to cash
a check.
“Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.”
She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot.
“That’s me in the middle,” she said.
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One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from
an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report.
“Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked.
“No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.”
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I asked my brother-in-law, the
father of four boys, “If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?”
“Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.”
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Asked to pick the worst year
ever, film director Peter Segal chose 1848, “the year gold was discovered at Sutter’s Mill. Until then, you could find a nice piece of land in California, pitch your tent, and call it home.
The housing market here has been
a living hell ever since.”
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I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl.
I told her I didn’t.
As I left a few minutes later, she yelled after me, “I hope you get the sex you want!”
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When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”
My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”
“And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”
“Two thousand.”
“We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”
“Five thousand!”
We eloped to Spain.
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Here is the best-ever backhanded compliment from a kid about a present: “Dear Genie, thanks for the toy. I’ll play with it when I’m bored.”
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My young son declared, “When
I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.”
“You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.
“Then I’ll marry you.”
“You can’t marry me either.”
He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”
“You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.
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One spring day I was taking the roll in my secretarial class at our local technical college. One of the sun worshipers was absent. “Cindy won’t be here this afternoon?” I asked.
“She went home to lay in the sun,” a young woman in the front row answered.
Trying to correct her grammar without embarrassing her before the class, I whispered, “Lie.”
“Okay,” she replied in astonishment. “Cindy got sick and went home.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend.
I was wrong about today though. We got up to 100 degrees and it felt like 111.
Wait a minute. I wasn't wrong about it, my weathercomputer was wrong.....so rong.
As per plan, I went to the store this morning and I took the girls to the park, and came back home and hybernated inside the rest of the day.
I feel bad about that.
Saturday won't be much different.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready.
But still too hot for me either