Josh Billings
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
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Our Grand Canyon guide was asked if people ever get too close to the edge and fall over.
“Some do,” he said. “I call that natural selection.”
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The traffic light near my street buzzes when it’s safe to cross the road. Recently, a friend of mine asked what the buzzer was for.
“It tells blind people when the light is red,” I said.
She was appalled: “What are blind people doing driving?”
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“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.
“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”
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In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city’s
311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did.
“Who won American Idol?”
“Can you check to see if my boyfriend is married?”
“Can I claim my dog on my income tax?”
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I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone.”
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Scene: Me at our auto dealership, cold-calling customers.
Me: Hi, I’m calling on behalf of…
Customer: Is this a recording?
Me: No, I am not a recording, sir. May I please speak to…
Customer: I don’t believe you!
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Going in for a job interview? Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates:
“Can my husband finish the test for me?”
“Would you consider going on a date with me?”
“Can I place my desk near the cafeteria?”
“Do I have to be at work every day?”
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My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift.
I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”
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A woman went into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she’d ever had any trouble telling them apart.
She gave him an odd look and said, “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth.”
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During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete.
“No, I’m not,” I assured him.
“Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked.
“Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.”
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Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never
stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute,
a voice from the back interrupted us.
“So,” a man said, “how many accountants does it take to press the elevator button?”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I hope it's a great one for everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
The sooner we start the sooner we finish. 
but hopefully they learned better for the future. I hate when wee ones think they are smarter than the adults around them. 