Bill Vaughan
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.
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Leafing through Madison, Wisconsin’s Capital Times, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for family named Dingle.”
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I asked my pastor, “If I don’t quit smoking, will I go to hell?”
“No,” he said. “You’ll just smell like it.”
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A few weeks back, I went to the hardware store and bought an ax to use on an overgrown shrub. I put the ax in a bag and went a few doors down
to the grocery store, where I bought two bottles of wine. As the clerk placed the wine in the bag, he spotted the ax.
“This,” he said, “has all the makings of a very interesting weekend.”
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Our normally sweet Great Dane has one quirk: She hates United Parcel Service drivers. While walking her one day, we came upon a guy delivering a package. Struggling to keep hold of her, I joked, “As you can see, she just loves UPS men.”
Circumnavigating us, he muttered, “Don’t you feed her anything else?”
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Wife: “Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.”
Husband: “Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.”
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Think it’s easy being a landlord? Check out these tenant complaints:
“The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”
“Fifty percent of the walls are damp, 50 percent have crumbling plaster, and 50 percent are just plain filthy.”
“My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.”
“I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
“I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.”
“It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.”
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My father-in-law asked his wife what he should name his new boat. She said, “Name it after me.” The next time she saw the boat, it had After Me on the back of it.
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My wife is a very adventurous cook. “How does this sound?” she called out from the kitchen. “Bonito, surimi, and anchovies in a decadent, silky broth.”
“Sounds delicious,” I hollered back. “Is that what we’re having tonight?”
“No. I’m reading from this packet of cat food.”
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On my way home from my mother’s, I realized I’d left my cell phone at her house. So I went back to get it. Upon retrieving it, I noticed I had a message from Mom. She’d texted, “You left your phone.”
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My sister got a call from her son’s kindergarten teacher. When he’d gone in to check on Little James in the bathroom, he noticed the boy was using a urinal.
“That’s odd,” my sister said. “We never taught him how to use a urinal.”
“I could tell,” said the teacher. “He was sitting in it.”
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When my lifelong-bachelor uncle turned 78, he traveled across the country to visit a dozen or so
old girlfriends.
“How’d it go?” I asked when he returned.
“Thank God I never married any of them,” he said. “They’re all widows.”
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A customer’s request to the general store in his vacation town:
“I would like to reserve a New York Times, Star-Ledger, and Post for every Saturday, Sunday, and Monday from June 22 till Labor Day.
However, we will be in Greece from July 1 to July 8. My son may or may not pick up the papers then, we don’t know. We will be in Spain for two weeks in August. Not sure which two, though. We’ll try to let you know.
Oh, and we don’t need the Times on any Mondays in July, except the 8th of July.”
The store’s response: “Effective July … we will no longer be reserving newspapers.”
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From the news: “Bob” was considered a star at the computer company where he worked. He made a six-figure salary and routinely received excellent performance reviews.
And now we know why: Without his boss’s knowledge, “Bob” had outsourced his entire job to a company in China—for a fifth of his salary. He then spent his days at his desk playing games, shopping on eBay, and watching cat videos.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Many thanks to everyone for keeping me in your thoughts.
Hey Chief.
I've been sitting here watching it storm, and the worst is about to hit.
I hope we get a whole bunch of rain. Then again it may miss us to the West.
You know what's West of here? The sod farm.
Maybe I'll take a trip tomorrow.
I wish you all a great day.
joe
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witter
As for now, there is a thunderstorm that seems to be getting louder outside, so it's time for me to sign off for the night.
