Thomas Paine
Character is much easier kept than recovered.
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Needing to escape her hectic office, my friend fled to the mall, bought a candy bar, and then relaxed on a bench next to a businessman. Soon, she heard the sound of a crumpling wrapper and realized that he was eating her candy bar. When he went to work on an ice cream cone, she leaned over and took a huge lick.
“There!” she declared. She then stormed off to her car, reached into her purse for her keys, and pulled out the candy bar she thought he’d eaten.
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As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store’s PA system: “If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five.”
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In an attempt to balance work and motherhood, I delegated the grocery shopping to my young babysitter. But the job proved a tad daunting. One day while I was at work, she texted me from the supermarket. “Can’t find Brillo pads,” she wrote. “All they have are Tampax and Kotex.”
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My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.”
His response: “Receipts.”
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You’d die of embarrassment if these phrases appeared in your obituary:
“She leaves behind a brother and 117 cats.”
“Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 40 million times on YouTube.”
“Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.”
“Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”
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There are people who have green thumbs. And then there’s me, Ms. Black Thumb.
I didn’t think anyone else noticed until the day my sister visited. “I found this in the yard,” she said, handing me a potted plant as she came in the door. “I think the wind blew it off your deck.”
“It wasn’t the wind,” my husband joked. “It jumped.”
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Shortly after the FAA announced the ban on fluids, my husband was stopped by airport security because they found a bottle of water in one of his carry-on bags.
“Sorry,” the officer said, tossing the bottle into a bin of confiscated items, “but water is now considered a liquid.”
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“I’ll never find the right guy,” I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh.
“Don’t give up,” urged an older woman. “Every pot has a lid.”
“Or,” a cynical voice behind her offered, “you could just be a skillet.”
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You didn’t have to be a brain surgeon to figure out that a customer at our post office was an off-duty mail clerk from another plant. He’d written on his package, “Fragile: Toss Underhand.”
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Few people know what a quartermaster does. So during my aircraft carrier’s Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore—I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat.
When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, “Now do you know what I do?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re a cheerleader.”
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She’s only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, “You know what kills me … ?”
Smiling, Mark teased, “Apparently nothing.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well it's that time of year again when I start having computer delay issues.
The responce time when I type is about 10 seconds on average.
I can type a whole paragraph, and then sit back and watch it appear on screen as if it was being typed by a ghost.
I think it's the sun, and the heat interfering with the signal or something like that.
I don't know, maybe my computer is just tired.
Maybe it's just that I live in the hot sweaty arm pit of the nation, and the signals really have a hard time getting through the crack.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Joe enjoy your day. Ana nice you are out of the corner. Coffee and tea are ready.
