James A. Autry
I believe it is the nature of people to be heroes, given the chance.
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My mom moved into a new condo, and I went to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee cup one morning, I sighed, “It seems like I’m always looking for something in your kitchen.”
“That’s good,” Mom said. When I looked confused, she explained, “Because when you know where to look, it’s time to go home.”
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When I put on my new chef uniform — a pair of very baggy, loud-striped pants — I was mildly horrified. But my wife was philosophical.
“It’s okay, honey,” she said in her soothing way. “You’re just a victim of circus pants.”
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When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”
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Dating is complicated. You don’t believe us? Here are some examples:
Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook.
I got into a 90-minute argument with my girlfriend because she was adamant that Moby Dick was a true story. I finally let her win so I could go to sleep.
My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through.
I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.
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When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: “Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom.”
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I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: “Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed.”
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After my ten-year-old daughter declared her disgust with cosmetic surgery, I dropped a bomb on her. “Don’t be too quick to judge,” I told her. “Before college, I had a nose job.”
She was completely thrown. “You mean,” she said, “it was bigger?”
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It’s tough enough selling a home nowadays. Don’t make the mistakes that turned off these readers on the City Room blog of The New York Times:
• “It was a good house, well-maintained. But the bed with the person in it was off-putting.”
• “The family dog, long departed, was stuffed and standing next to the fireplace. RIP Sparky.”
• “The main distraction was dirt. Although there was the tiny child who proudly showed us the refrigerator full of ‘Daddy’s beer’ just outside an upstairs bedroom.”
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My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, “There is no room at the inn.”
But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn’t have the heart to turn him down.
“Well,” he said, “if it’s so urgent, come on in.”
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I always thought my friend was disorganized, but after helping her move, I stand corrected. The label on a box I carried read “Stuff off the floor.”
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Dad passed away recently, and among the messages received by my mother was this e-mail from a great-niece: “Our thoughts are with you, Lucy. You and Chas are the last of an error.”
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I arrived home from work to find all the windows and doors wide open. Apparently our puppy had had an accident.
“Yeah, it really stank,” my daughter told me. “In fact, when we first walked in, I thought you had come home early and were cooking dinner.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
It's Friday!
Sorta I want what I want, when I want it too.
I hardly ever get it.
So it's Friday, and I have no plans. Oh I do have to try and do some mowing. It's only going up to 97 degrees, so it should be no problem.
I may be a little wet. Amazing how that works when there is no rain whatsoever.
I really hate when my freshness is worn off before noon.
"I'm wilting. Help me I'm wilting!"
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Good Morning Joe, Ana, Taintedfury and everyone. Joe hope you get it mowed before it gets to hot! Ana enjoy your day. Taintedfury welcome to joe's dinner! Coffee and tea are ready.
