Winston Churchill
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
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You could only find jokes more cheesy than these if you worked at a cheese factory...
Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. Only time will tell.
Q. How's your job at the banana company?
A. I keep slipping up.
Q. How's your job on the new highway?
A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.
Q. How's your job at the travel agency?
A. I'm going nowhere.
Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin!
Q. How's your job at the lemon juice company?
A. I've had bitter jobs.
Q. How's your job at the pie company?
A. It didn't pan out.
Q. How's your job at the balloon factory?
A. We can't keep up with inflation.
Q. How's your job at the crystal ball company?
A. I'm making a fortune.
Q. How's your job at the history book company?
A. There's no future in it.
Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. I'm having second thoughts about it.
Q. How's your job on the farm?
A. Problems keep cropping up.
Q. How's your job at the sewing shop?
A. Hanging on by a thread.
Q. How's your job at the eye glasses clinic?
A. I have clear job objectives.
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How Cold Is It?
Its amazing what effect temperature has on things...
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe).
50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
35 Italian cars don't start.
32 Water freezes.
30 You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on T-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. British cars don't start.
25 Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
20 You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.
15 French cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate.
-10 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath. The Mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 Hell freezes over Polar bears move south.
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
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Idiots Everywhere
IDIOTS AT WORK...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS...
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE...
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce. "He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOTS IN THE NEWS...
Buffalo Channel 4 News on October 20th,1999 informed its captivated audience that when selling their computer, the best way to erase the files on your computers hard drive is by drilling a hole in the drive its self! "By drilling a hole in the drive its self, you make it impossible for the new owner to get your files." No kidding, idiot!
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Good morning everyboomie.
I posted that particular quote for one reason. I failed to find anything of significance after digging for 5 hours today at the sod farm. A sod day indeed, but I'm still excited to get a nuther chance to go out there soon.
You could not pay me enough money to sit out in the sun and shovel dirt around all day, and yet I'll happily do it for the opportunity to find a nice little point.
By now I've dug so much dirt that the gophers think I'm one of them. Today they named me an honorary gopher, and gave me a gold plated grub worm.
Speaking of grub worms, I dug one up today, and a gopher ran out and asked, "Are you going to eat that?", and he grabbed the grub and ran back to his hole.
My Thump day will be started with a trip to the park, and then a trip to Walmart. After that is anybody's guess.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
