Alfred Hitchcock
There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.
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Daffynitions
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper.
Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning.
Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.
Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country.
Ambition: A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Ambulance: A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair.
Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough.
Antique Collector's Song: “You take the highboy and I'll take the lowboy.”
Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.
Apartment: A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you've been listening to your neighbor's.
Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.
Argument: Something that gets better when you don't have facts.
Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.
Awe: Showing respect with your mouth wide open.
Baby: A perfect example of minority rule.
Bachelor: A thing of beauty and a boy forever.
Backbiter: A mosquito.
Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.
Barber: A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline.
Bargain: Something that's so reasonable they won't take it back when you find out what's wrong with it.
Benefactor: One who returns part of his loot.
Big Game Hunter: A person who can spot a leopard.
Budget: What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up.
Buffet Dinner: Where the hostess doesn't have enough chairs for everybody.
Bureaucrat: A Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
Business: Something which, if you don't have any, you go out of.
Businessman: The man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom
Candidate: A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
Checkroom: Where the sheep are separated from the coats.
Chef: An interior decorator.
Christian Nation: One that has Churches too many people stay away from on Sunday.
Classic: A book which people praise and don't read.
Class Reunion: Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart.
Combustion: What takes place when there isn't enough goods in a store to cover the insurance.
Commercial: The warning you get to shut off the radio or television.
Community Chest: An organization that puts all its begs into one ask it.
Conceited Person: One who mistakes a big head for greatness.
Conference: A long coffee break.
Congress: A body of government that does not solve problems - it just investigates them.
Conscience: A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught.
Contortionist: The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back.
Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages.
Cow: A machine that makes it possible for people to eat grass.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Croquet: Chess with sweat.
Deficit: What you have when you don't have as much as if you had nothing.
Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.
Dentist: A person who runs a filling station.
Diamond: A piece of coal that made good under pressure.
Diet: A selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.
Diplomat: A rabbit in a silk hat.
Discretion: When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife.
Donut Factory Manager: A person who has charge of the hole works.
Endless: The time it takes for others to find out how wonderful you are.
Etiquette: Knowing which finger to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.
Executive: One who makes a prompt decision and is sometimes right.
Experience: What you get while looking for something else.
Expert: Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.
Flattery: An insult in gift wrapping.
Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.
Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
Gentility: What is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone.
Golf: Cow pasture pool.
Gruesome: A little taller than before.
Guitar: A hillbilly harp.
Gunpowder: A substance used to make nations friendly to each other.
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Kitchen Signs
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
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Good morning everyboomie.
We're half way to next week.
I had a great Saturday. Did some parking, did some gaming, did some muscle stretching.....and compressing.
Now I'm doing my decompressing.
How depressing.
Me and the Chihuahua wish you all a happy day.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe how about gaming today? Ana sounds like a fun day! Coffee and tea are ready.
I agree with Gerry, gaming sounds like a good idea.
wonder what I did yesterday