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Happy Hump Day #1123819
09/05/17 08:47 PM
09/05/17 08:47 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Albert Einstein

How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?
``````````

Senior's Sex Guide

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice. lol
```````````````

Secret Cat Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
``````````````

Dating My Daughter

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

So, I'll call out jovially. I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four - I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.

Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-ink washes off-and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. Don't you remember being that age? she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
````````

Good morning everyboomie. yay


It is Hump day, and I think it's going to be a real nice one here. We're dropping down to 57 degrees for Tuesday night, and 81 for Wednesday's high. hamster


I'm waiting for a call back on refinancing my house or I might have gone to the sod farm. yes


I may change my mind and go anyway. razz


I mowed the lawn this evening and got that out of the way. woot


I downloaded The Egyptian Prophecy, and I'm having fun with it. It took 8 hours to download. rolleyes


I have a 20GB data plan, and it was all used up by Sept 4th. slapforehead


Have a happy day everyone. wave2


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123821
09/05/17 09:10 PM
09/05/17 09:10 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
Woo Hoo Hoo everybody...good morning and Happy Hump Day laugh

wave2


Dan
...
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music Stay Smart & Stay Safe
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123822
09/05/17 09:19 PM
09/05/17 09:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Online content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Online Content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Joe, I can't imagine having such restrictions on data. I hope your call comes in early and you can get that out of the way and still go to the farm. Have a wonderful day all!

soot, happy hump day to you too!

My neighbor and friend who is 32 years old, was diagnosed with inoperable Stage 4 colon and liver cancer in May and was given a 5% chance of making it 6 months, was just told today his colon cancer is gone and the liver cancer went from 5 tumors down to two and both of those are tiny and could be removed. Prayers answered!!

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123844
09/05/17 11:31 PM
09/05/17 11:31 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hope the call goes well and that you still have time to make it to the farm, Joe! Enjoy your game. woot

Have a terrific day, soot!

Ana, that's fantastic news!! Glad to hear it!! hearts bravo

It's late Tuesday night here. I missed posting the last two days because I had to go to sleep early and be up by 3 am. eek This time, I get to sleep in until 7. Much better. grin It should be an easier work day as well. Also, I talked to the manager at my second job today, and he said he may very well have an opening for me where I could work a lot more hours and make a little more per hour. Which would mean I could finally leave my original job, and just work at this one exclusively. happydance I should know more by the end of the week. This is definitely the better of the two jobs now, so I'm really hoping it will work out this time. yes

Okay, off to sleep. Have a terrific Wednesday, everyone. summer


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123861
09/06/17 05:41 AM
09/06/17 05:41 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
fall Good Morning all. Joe have a great day. Soot see you in the garden! Ana wonderful news for your neighbor! Did you get my email? Venus Good Luck! Coffee and tea are ready.
Enjoy your Wednesday everyone! fall


Gerry
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123863
09/06/17 06:23 AM
09/06/17 06:23 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Wonderful Hump Day. Ana, miracles do still happen. Queen of Hearts at the Eagles tonight. Watching and preparing for Irma. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. fall


Connie
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123873
09/06/17 08:15 AM
09/06/17 08:15 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers hamster

Joe, wishing you a stress-free day.

Soot, happy Hump Day.

Ana, What fantastic news. angel I just got a CT Scan yesterday and I'm hoping for the same results. Prayers do get answered.

Venus, have a great day today.

Gerry, coffee please and thank you.

Connie, enjoy the Queen of Hearts and the Eagles tonight.

Wishing everyone a super good day today! puppy


Gail
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123906
09/06/17 12:08 PM
09/06/17 12:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Miracles happen. Thanks for the update Ana. Good to hear some good stuff happens.

Good thoughts to you Gail!

Went out my back door to feed the Outdoorsies and I'm always very careful in the AM to 'clear' the way since we have loads of 'garden spiders' who build awesome webs at night. I usually manage to run right into one. So this morning, I'd scouted out the webs, made sure I avoided them and then back into the house, and as I set the dry food scoop on the storage dresser (old oak antique goodie) next to the door and where I have to reach the light switch, THERE was a WEB with the spider in the center, happily sitting waiting for it's prey. Well, it almost was ME. Ugh! I never expected to see an outdoor spider IN my house. Granted, it's near the door, but I have no idea why this one managed to crawl in and build a lovely web across the top of the chest. Was so pretty, but I took a stick, carefully wound up the web and spider and deposited it safely outside on a plant. Hopefully Mr. Spidey will stay outside. I'll be more observant tonight. Geez! scared


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123909
09/06/17 12:23 PM
09/06/17 12:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Wonderful Wednesday ya'll puppy

Keoki has a laser visit later today, and I have a couple of errands. Not sure what else will be on the agenda...maybe a nap.

Joe, hope you get your refi. Are you getting this cooler weather?

Soot kissy

Ana, that is wonderful news! Prayer is powerful!

Venus, luck on getting that new job. It will be wonderful.

Gerry, thanks for the yummies.

Connie, enjoy your evening out. Will you be impacted by Irma?

Gail, that is our prayer too. When will you get the results?

Sorta, those big webs are pretty, but icky when you walk into them. I've always wondered what happens to those webs. We sometimes have 1 that webs our back sliding door, but then the web disappears the next morning only to be rebuilt the next night.

wavegirl


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123916
09/06/17 01:09 PM
09/06/17 01:09 PM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
L4L, unless it curves way out to sea it will impact all of us. We are preparing now, Water, Gas, Batteries, Pet supplies. It's a huge storm and Florida is not a very wide state. All stores have been out of water since yesterday. A lot of gas stations are out of gas. Stores are trying to restock. We are about 60 miles from the East coast and 100 or so miles from the West coast. We are watching it very carefully.


Connie
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123954
09/06/17 05:38 PM
09/06/17 05:38 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
Oh my goodness Joe...RedBox is cheaper and much quicker think
We too are enjoying temps in the 50s in the mornings this week and it's marvelous!!
I survived my day at work and it's time to garden for a bit with my music
Happy evening everybody
wave2


Dan
...
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music Stay Smart & Stay Safe
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123956
09/06/17 05:40 PM
09/06/17 05:40 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Connie my prayers are with all of you. Please stay safe.

This was my day off for the week. I had a dentist appointment this morning. Not fun but it's over. I hope you all had a wonderful day today. Weather wise we had a thunder storm that flew by. Now it's quiet.

see you in the morning.

Midgie hearts wavegirl


Just do it.
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123957
09/06/17 05:50 PM
09/06/17 05:50 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Back from the vet. This one went longer than normal. Keoki has a yeast infection in one ear, so we had to wait while they checked that. Now, tired has found me.

Connie, we will certainly keep you in our prayers.

Soot kissy

Midgy, dentist=yuk! Glad it's over for a bit. Anything fun on tap for the night?


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123971
09/06/17 06:32 PM
09/06/17 06:32 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
L4L, won't get the results till I see the Doc on the 14th.


Gail
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123973
09/06/17 06:36 PM
09/06/17 06:36 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
L4L, the spiders build those webs near dark, 'fish' all night for food, and in the wee morning hours, carefully disconnect the lines that hold the web in place and I think they actually eat the web. Then they rebuild the next night over and over. I love the spiders, but HATE walking into those webs especially when there is a spidey in the middle! Yikes!


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123974
09/06/17 06:44 PM
09/06/17 06:44 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Gail, we'll be praying for patience then.

Sorta, so that's what happens to those webs. I don't mind them at all, but like you, I don't like walking into them.


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1123999
09/06/17 10:48 PM
09/06/17 10:48 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
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