The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
``````````` Resume Reality
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.
I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
Cereal companies have been working hard to come up with new exciting breakfast cereals we can all shove down our pie holes in the morning, here are some of their less successful concepts that got rejected...
Toxic Waste Puffs
Kellogg's Ganja Puffs
Lucky Tabs O' Acid
Phil Graham Crackers
Fruit & Fabio
Look Again -- Them Ain't Raisins
Post-Modern Toasties and Rococo Puffs
Kellogg's "None of Your DADGUM Business"
`````````````Redneck Medical Terms
Rednecks seem to have a slightly different view of medical term definitions than the rest of us, lets have a look at a few...
Artery = The study of painting
Bacteria = The back door of the cafeteria
Barium = What doctors do when the patients die
Caesarean Section = A neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan = Looking for Socks
Cauterize = Made eye contact with her
Dilate = Live long
Hangnail = Coathook
Impotent = Distingquished and well known
Labor Pain = Getting hurt at work
Morbid = A higher offer
Nitrates = Cheaper than day rates
Node = Was aware of
Papsmear = A paternity test
Pelvis = A cousin to Elvis
Postoperative = Mail carrier
Recovery Room = A place to do upholstery
Seizure = A Roman emperor
Terminal Illness = Getting sick at the airport
Tumor = An additional pair
Urine = Opposite of you're out
Varicose = Nearby
Good morning everyboomie.
Time to get over the old hump, and head down hill.
I'm hoping the trip down stirs up some breeze.
We had another superlative day here. I went parking with the pups, and then came home and chilled out, but then you already knew that didn't you?
Yes you did. I told you Tuesday would probably be the same as Monday.
The big question is, what will Hump day bring?
No it's not. Hump day will be exactly like Monday and Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I told you that I had nothing on my plate all week.
Were you not paying attention?
Have a humpy day everyone.