George Best
I spent a lot of money on booze, women and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
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Corporate Stupidity
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
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Corporate Structure
Breakdown of the corporate structure...
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Discusses policy with God
PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved
VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
GENERAL MANAGER:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
MANAGER:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls
TRAINEE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets him/herself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to him/herself
SECRETARY:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
Is God
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Investment Terms
Here are some definitions of investment terms typically used...
STOCK - A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND - What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER - The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.
BEAR - What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL - What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN - Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION - A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Ha ha ha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION - The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK - What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call
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Good morning everyboomie.
I'm ready for a new week, although I have no plans whatsoever for the wholw week.
We're getting no rain, and I have nowhere to go head hunting.
It's a shame since I have all this time on my hands.
I will mow the yard across the street, and then I'll retreat inside, to beat the heat.
It's going to be over 90 degrees every day this week.
It'll be a week from next Thursday before we get back under 85 degrees.
I suppose I'll live.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
I'm giving myself some leeway, since I have to drive to a store that's a little farther away than the one I usually go to. Only one more week to go. 
