Rita Rudner
These big birthday parties my friends make for their kids. One of my friends had a surprise party for her child. He was one year old. We all snuck in around the crib, jumped up, and yelled, “Surprise!” He’s in therapy now.
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Aging Humor
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For Fast Relief".
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
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Aging Women
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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Animal Thoughts
After watching that imbecile on television who claims to know what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that we too, would do the impossible...
Dog "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"
Cat "Why are these people in my house?"
Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge."
Goldfish "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
Cat "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."
Dog "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."
Cat "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it."
Dog "Why is the baby eating my food..."
Hamster "Kill me, this wheel is boring."
Iguana "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these [blip] annoying wood chips.
Dog "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my shit! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."
Gerbil "OH NO, not again!"
Dog "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."
Cat "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again."
Bunny "I wonder if she will notice I shit in her pillow case?"
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to a new day.....a new diner.....a new day's diner...
Welcome to Joe's!
Soot, all I can say is I'm glad I have 10 Cowboy's games recorded that they won because I never want to watch last Sunday's fiasco again.
I don't even want to think about that game again, so forget I brought it up.
Monday I wasn't very productive, but at least I took the pups parking, and did some gaming.
I think Tuesday will be better.
I'll try some different games.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Joe! I think my hubby should play the old 80's Bears. That was the only time they were good! 
