Sigismund
Do I not effectually destroy my enemies, in making them my friends?
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Burning Calories
Here's the activities guide to burning calories at work and the number of calories they consume per hour...
Beating around the bush... 75
Jumping to conclusions... 100
Climbing the walls... 150
Swallowing your pride... 50
Passing the buck... 25
Throwing your weight around... 50-300
Dragging your heels... 100
Pushing your luck... 250
Making mountains out of molehills... 500
Hitting the nail on the head... 50
Wading through paperwork... 300
Bending over backwards... 75
Jumping on the bandwagon... 200
Balancing the books... 25
Running around in circles... 350
Eating crow... 225
Tooting your own horn... 25
Climbing the ladder of success... 750
Pulling out the stops... 75
Adding fuel to the fire... 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end... 12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms... 50
Putting your foot in your mouth... 300
Starting the ball rolling... 90
Going over the edge... 25
Picking up the pieces after... 350
Counting eggs before they hatch... 6
Calling it quits... 2
How about:
Reading between the lines....50
Second guessing.......20
Having second thoughts....30
Having that sinking feeling.....80
Seeing red.....90
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Bored Beyond Belief
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
Polish your car with earwax.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
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Blonde Cooking
Sometimes being a blonde isn't easy, especially if you're cooking...
MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
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Blind Date Ditch
Blind dates are just plain scary, but it gets a lot worse when you meet them and discover they are far from even the most meager of hopes you had for them to be what you wanted. Here's some tips on how to get rid of them, fast!
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/ hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them "What took you so long in the bathroom?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, w with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
Drool.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
Seems like only yesterday it was Tuesday.
Speaking of Tuesday, I had a great day. I got out of bed, and not only that. I had breakfast, and loafed around, and then I mowed the lawns.
You see the thing is, we have a 40% chance of rain Wed, and I didn't want my mowing window to close on me for a couple more days.
It's over and done, and hopefully until next Summer.
I also did laundry, including my bedding. Is every 6 months too often for that?
Wishing everyone a very happy day.
joe
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witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready.
