William Shakespeare
The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.
`````````
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
```````````````
Funny Quips
Benny: Who's your favourite fiction writer?
Murray: My accountant.
When one is at home . . . he dreams of adventure.
When one is on an adventure . . . he dreams of home.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
Surely, the finest teachers of creativity, persistence,
and unconditional love, are children.
My friend, single handedly, tries to save the economy
every time she goes shopping.
It's not the extreme right or left that will take us
to hell in a hand basket. It's the vast, indifferent middle.
During these colder months it's important to conserve energy.
I try and do my part by laying on the sofa watching TV all day.
Men are like toilets.
Either: Vacant, Engaged or full of [blip].
My husband goes to a female dentist just for the novelty
of hearing a woman tell him to open his mouth.
Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells
as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim!
The reason why children are so happy is now obvious to me:
they don't have any children of their own to worry about.
Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's
the first time in your life you really don't care what time it is?
Why do they tell you the temperature at the airport?
Nobody I know lives at the airport.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor
and campaign funds from the rich.
If all our National holidays were observed on Wednesdays,
we might just wind up with nine-day weekends.
The president will succeed where his father and Ronald Reagan failed.
He WILL make government smaller. He's going to bankrupt it!
I explained the facts of life to my teenagers tonight.
My insulin keeps me alive; my Prozac keeps them alive.
An argument with my husband tends to make me want to clean something...
With his toothbrush.
``````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I used to clean stuff with my sister's tooth brush.
Only when she deserved it.
I can't say any more on the grounds I might incriminate myself.
Like I didn't do that already.
Today is supposed to be 81 degrees for a high.
I may need to go head hunting or something.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe you are to funny! Glad your weather is getting cooler. Ana enjoy your day. Coffee and tea are ready along with hot chocolate this morning! 
Joe ... oh my ... I used to see that in the movies all the time (brother's sister's mother's father's toothbrush)
