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#1127715 - 10/09/17 08:31 PM Tuesday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 31918
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
“Sure. I’m proud to be an American.”

-Cincinnati Reds rookie pitcher Steve Foster, asked by a Canadian customs agent if he had anything to declare.

`````````````

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.
```````

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my 
feelings.”
`````````

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I 
use it as both. When not in use, it 
is prominently displayed in a 
decorative ceramic utensil caddy 
in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at 
a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.
````````

Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?

Friend: You ordered a BLT.

Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
``````````

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
``````````

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in 
our wall.”
````````````

Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence.

Me: You mean … the period?

Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it.
````````````

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
```````````

As the hostess at the casino 
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my 
husband, who would be joining me 
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”

She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
```````````

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
```````````

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:

• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”

• “Who built the English Channel?”

• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”

• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley 
Temple doll and a teddy bear.”

• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
`````````

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.”

Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”

CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”

Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”

ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”

Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
````````

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
````````

Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
````````

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: 
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
``````````

Librarians may be shy, but 
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests:

A patron offered me $100 to steal 
a cactus from somebody’s yard.

A patron wanted me to find a 
book to teach her dog German.

A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.

A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work.
``````````

Scene: A radio newsroom.

Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.

Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.

Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.
````````````

Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, “But there’s a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records.”
```````````

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …

… to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.

… to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.

… to be a Nobel Prize winner.

… to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.

… he was fired “on accident.”
``````````

Good morning everyboomie. wave2


Well, while it's snowing in Denver, I guess Summer is trying to resurge here. We hit 93 degrees today. It was still 90 degrees at 6:30. slapforehead


That's ok though, because Tuesday is supposed to go all the way up to 68 degrees, and break Summer's back. penguin Cool!


I hope it will anyway, we're going right back up to the upper 80s after this front goes through. rolleyes


We are supposed to have some strong storms this evening, so I'm trying to get this posted before anything develops. smirk


Certainly before my sense of humor develops. razz


What can I say, nothing but drama on TV tonight. taz


Have a happy day everyone. kissy


joe
_________________________
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

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#1127721 - 10/09/17 09:40 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 74053
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Hey Joe, you know what happens when the storms come in??? Time to go head hunting! lol
THe Voice is on tonight! Love that show.

Yesterday, Nugget chased a chipmunk into my house and that was fun...NOT! rotfl And then later she scared a skunk hiding next to my deck and got us both skunked. Fun day! Hahaha!

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1127729 - 10/09/17 10:57 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 7208
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hope the storms will at least bring you cooler weather, Joe.

Ana, sounds like Nugget is very mischievous. lol

I got some potentially promising news regarding my acting today. My friend has apparently been looking out for me, and she may have found something for me! I don't want to say anything yet, as I want to see if it will all work out first, but at soon as I know one way or another, I will post something here. grin Maybe one day I will be able to quit my day job, which would be nice. lol

That day won't be tomorrow, though, as I have to be up at 5 am again. grin I'm off to sleep.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone. fall
_________________________
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

Top
#1127733 - 10/09/17 11:15 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 74053
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Venus, I'm cheering for you that your big break comes soon!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1127736 - 10/09/17 11:20 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 7208
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Thanks, Ana! happydance
_________________________
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

Top
#1127744 - 10/10/17 04:15 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22221
Loc: Marlborough USA
fall Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and all. Joe I hope it cools down for you soon! Ana, Nugget is so naughty! You certainly have your hands full! Venus what exciting news! Hope it works out! Coffee and tea are ready.
Wishing everyone a great tuesday! fall
_________________________
Gerry

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#1127749 - 10/10/17 07:32 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 18066
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers fall

Joe, hope the weather works out for you.

Ana, sometimes you have your hands full. Have a great day today.

Venus, good luck. Hope all works out for you.

Gerry, coffee needed desperately!

Got a Doc appointment this morning. Wishing everyone a super good day! car
_________________________
Gail

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#1127753 - 10/10/17 07:45 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 9916
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Great Tuesday. Venus, that is super news Good Luck. Dinner and Karaoke tonight at 8-8 Panda. Lunch and Netflix with a friend. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. fall
_________________________
Connie

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#1127780 - 10/10/17 01:37 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47179
Loc: Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

Boys are here. Had a busy morning in the kitchen. Will have a busy afternoon playing with the g'sons. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#1127835 - 10/10/17 11:08 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 7208
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep
_________________________
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

Top
#1127836 - 10/10/17 11:11 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 74053
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Nighty night...

Ana sleep
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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