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Monday's #1127591
10/08/17 08:24 PM
10/08/17 08:24 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

- Yogi Berra
`````````

Rough Day Ahead

Signs you can tell it will be a rough day ahead...

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backward and it fits better.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night, and there aren't any.

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the interstate.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up and your braces are locked together.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.

Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.

You send this to all your lists and put the wrong disclaimers on it!
`````````````

Into The Future

Get a glimpse into life far into the future, in the year 2056...

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2058.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2057.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped!

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine
```````````

Job Wording

Here's a little clarification of typical vacant job listing lingo...

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear ear rings.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy or English.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and then do it.

```````````

Good morning everyboomie. wave2


Welcome to Monday!


What's for breakfast? I'm ready for some eggs and meat. If you have some, then meet at the breakfast table, or the lunch table, or the dinner table, or the coffee table.


I like my eggs cooked.............just about anyway.


If you don't have eggs and meat, then I'll have a double cheeseburger please.


If not that, then how about pizza?


I feel my arteries hardening.


Have a happy day everyone. wave


joe

Last edited by gymcandy1; 10/08/17 08:27 PM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1127594
10/08/17 08:46 PM
10/08/17 08:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Online content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Online Content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Joe, I say eggs for breakfast, burgers for lunch and pizza for dinner! You get all three in one! lol

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1127598
10/08/17 10:04 PM
10/08/17 10:04 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Have a great Monday Joe, Ana and all who follow. wave

It's Sunday night, and the weekend went by way too fast. It's another 4 am wake up and long work day for me tomorrow. crazy

Have a great day, everyone. fall


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1127599
10/08/17 10:16 PM
10/08/17 10:16 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Online content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Online Content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Hope your day goes smoothly, venus!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1127610
10/09/17 04:36 AM
10/09/17 04:36 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
fall Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and all. Coffee and tea are ready.
Wishing you all a happy day! fall


Gerry
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1127617
10/09/17 07:35 AM
10/09/17 07:35 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Super Monday. Back to the Eagles tonight for more decorating for our Halloween Spooktacular. witch bat zombie Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. ghost


Connie
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1127619
10/09/17 08:01 AM
10/09/17 08:01 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers fall

Joe, thanks for the laughs.

Ana, have a great day.

Venus, don't work too hard today.

Gerry, coffee please and thanks.

Connie, have fun at the Eagles tonight.

Some shopping this morning with Hannah. Wishing everyone a super good day! witch


Gail
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1127656
10/09/17 12:02 PM
10/09/17 12:02 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll, and Happy Columbus Day and Happy Thanksgiving to our Canadian family puppy

Kids are here playing Wii with their dad...not what I like to hear first thing in the morning. But...........

Book-cooking is on the agenda. wavegirl


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1127668
10/09/17 01:56 PM
10/09/17 01:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
Good morning Joe Ana Venus Gerry Connie Gail L4L and all you Boomers out there laugh

Happy Thanksgiving to our Canada buddies

I'm with Ana this morning Joe...enjoy your meals and have fun!!

Hope the day (and work) is kind to you Venus

I'll have a cuppa tea and French Toast I am thinking Gerry and Connie (drive safe to Eagles!)

Have fun shopping Gail...it's fun isn't it wink

hearts L4L

Just finished the last of a big paperwork project today and plan to relax with WOM, work in the garden, listen to music and read the rest of the day yes

Canada Happy Thanksgiving Day to everyone from Canada

wave2


Dan
...
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music Stay Smart & Stay Safe
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1127712
10/09/17 08:04 PM
10/09/17 08:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 12,378
Scotland
MsMercury Offline
Adept Boomer
MsMercury  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 12,378
Scotland
Hi Boomers, hope all is well with you! Sleepless night here, it's going to be a long one!

Enjoy the rest of your day all!

Mary hearts wavegirl


"It's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts." puppy

I'm not getting old....just 'Marvelously Mature'! grin
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1127713
10/09/17 08:15 PM
10/09/17 08:15 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Hi ya Mary, sorry it's a long one for you! I hope it gets better. Hugs

I'm off to bed. Sweet dreams all sleep


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1127723
10/09/17 10:40 PM
10/09/17 10:40 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
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