It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived those witches."
Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.
"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.
"I'm sure I don't," replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.
"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure."
"Really, how fascinating," replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.
Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, "And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!"
"Amazing," comments bunny,"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?"
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"
Signs You Are Getting Old:
You find yourself listening to talk radio.
You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
When jogging is something you do to your memory.
Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
You actually ASK for your father's advice.
You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
Good morning everyboomie.
We are past mid-week and looking at the down hill slide.
Not much going on here, just thinking about walking the dogs, and exercising.
Tomorrow morning I'll decide whether to actually do any of that.
Walking the dogs is pretty much a sure bet since I didn't do that today.
Today I went to the sod farm and dug around for hours, but I only found one broken point.
Better luck next time eh?
Have a happy day everyone.