'Tis now the very witching time of night,
When churchyards yawn, and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world.
~William Shakespeare, Hamlet [III, 2, Hamlet]
The little farm boy storms out of the house, mad about being ordered to do his chores. In the barnyard, he kicks the rooster.
Near the barn, he kicked a hog. In the corral, he kicked the family's milk cow. His mother saw all this and stormed out after him.
"I saw you kick that rooster; just for that, you'll get no eggs. And I saw you kick that hog; just for that, you'll get no bacon.
And I saw you kick the cow; just for that, you'll get no milk!"
His father heard the yelling, came out of the barn, tripping over the cat and nearly falling, after which, he booted the poor animal out of his way.
The cat ran screeching into the barn.
The little boy looked up at his mother and said, "You want to tell him or shall I?"
Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
A mafia's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son gave her a box. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?"
"That's right!" said the boy.
Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?"
"That's right!" said the boy.
Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box. She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?"
"No," said the boy.
She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?"
"No," said the boy.
"I give up. What is it?"
The boy grinned. "A puppy!"
One of the teachers had a kindergartener come up to her and say that he had found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.
The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
The teacher said, "You what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
Time flies when you're past your prime, retired, & in your twilight years.
The highlight of my day was this morning just before I got out of bed.
It was all down hill from there.
At Walmart this morning I saw a little kid kicking and screaming and throwing a hissy fit, and thought 'Funny, that's exactly how I feel when I have to come to Walmart.'
Either that, or he didn't want to get out of bed either.
Things are all good now though. It's almost time for bed.
Have a happy day everyone.