A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked:
What about extreme sexual exhaustion?
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said:
Then you'll have to write with your other hand.
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".
"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.
A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room.
"Grampa, Grampa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
A woman is in the hospital and just had twins, a boy and a girl. But no one is there with her except her brother.
The nurse comes into the room after the delivery and says,"your brother has taken the liberty to name the children."
The new mother says,"Oh no. he probably gave them stupid names."
The nurse says,"The girls name is Denise."
The mother says,"That's not bad, i like it. And the boys?"
The nurse says,"The boys name is De-nephew."
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual
that happened during the past week.
Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he
"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."
Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.
Little Jimmy stood up, alone.
Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"
"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."
One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl started to feel ill.
"Mommy, can we leave now?" asked the girl.
"No." replied Mom.
"I think I'm gonna throw up."
"Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
A few moments later the girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" asked Mom.
"How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up and be back here so soon?"
"I didn't even have to go outside. They have a box right by the front door that says 'for the sick'."
Good morning everyboomie.
If only I had a dollar every time I said that. I'd have a nice chunk of change.
$365 a year. I could retire on that.........every weekend anyway.
Of course with 12 years back pay......
Whoa there joe. Reel in that enthusiasm. Crazy dreams like that NEVER happen.
That may be true, but I'll hold on to my dreams just in case.
Have a happy day everyone.