When witches go riding,
and black cats are seen,
the moon laughs and whispers,
‘tis near Halloween.
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
HERE ARE SOME CHILDREN BOOKS THAT WILL NEVER BE PUBLISHED:
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?".
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?", the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?", asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
Kid's Books That Should Never Be Written:
'You Were an Accident'
'Strangers Have the Best Candy'
'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'
'Some Kittens Can Fly!'
'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'
'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'
'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'
'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'
'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North
Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'
'All Dogs Go to Hell'
'The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'
'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'
'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'
'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'
'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'
'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'
'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'
'You Are Different and That's Bad'
'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'
Little Josh comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
His father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," Josh says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "Josh, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Josh says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow him to hell."
Thumping good morning everyboomie.
Ready for another big day?
This happens to be 3 days in one ya know.
It's the day before, and the day after, and the day in between Friday and Wednesday.
Every day is like that as a matter of fact. Three days in one I mean.....
......which means that everyone is three times older than what your age says..........
.....or what you say your age is.
I'm doing pretty good I think, for someone who's 198 years old.
Have a happy day everyone.