I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about
painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded
confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit.
"That's an elephant", the mother said.
After the child repeated after her, he asked, "Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"
The mother replied, "That's his trunk, sweetheart."
"No, no", said the child, "Behind that!"
"Oh, that's his tail", she said.
"No, no!" the boy exclaimed. "That thing in the middle!"
The woman was flustered and replied, "Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!" And they moved on.....
The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, "Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!"
The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, "Elephant!"
"Very GOOD", beamed the father. "I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!"
The boy asked, "Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?"
The father replied, "That's his trunk."
"No!", the boy moaned, "Behind that!"
"That's his tail", the father replied.
"No, no! That thing in the middle!"
The father stammered, "Er...what did your mother say it was?"
"She said it was nothing!"
"Well", the man said, puffing out his chest. "Your mother was spoiled!"
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE……God is watching."
Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want……God is watching the apples."
A father picks up his son after school and asks him how his day has been.
"Great dad, today they give me my part at the school play", says the boy.
"Really? and what do you play?" asks the father.
"I play a man who has been married for twenty years".
"That's nice son", says the father, "you do a good job with that, and one day the'll give you a speaking role".
A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar,
announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical
Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say,
you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at
birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20
pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer,
wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and
said, "Had him circumcised."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in an ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A class member shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty."
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
The ball game last night was awesome! What a game. The underdogs, the Raiders, won after the game was over. They had two extra plays after the game clock expired, because of defensive penalties, and they scored a touchdown on the last play that tied the game, and then won it with the extra point. Great game!
We're going to hit about 84 degrees today. It'll be a real nice day to take Missy to the park.
After that I don't have any other plans.
I wish I had some place to go head hunting but I don't.
Have a happy day everyone.