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#1129432 - 10/24/17 08:37 PM Happy Hump Day
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 31923
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
When black cats prowl and pumpkins gleam,
May luck be yours on Halloween.

~Author unknown

`````````````

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

The husband comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. How long will this take? she asks.

They'll grow larger over a period of years, he replies.

The wife stops. Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years.

The husband shrugs. Why not, it worked for your rear end, didn't it?

```````````````

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

``````````

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

````````

Advice From Men To Women...
Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials....

Please don't drive when you're not driving....

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!...

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

``````````

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"


She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

`````````````

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

````````````

Marriage Is...

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]

Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.

It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.

Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.

Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....

Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.

Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"

`````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. yay


Hump day already? shocked


I was starting to think this week would last forever. rolleyes


Today was pretty chilly, but that wasn't the half of it. The wind blew like a hurricane. razz


When I took Missy to the park, I was wearing shorts and a tank top, and I seriously had to reconsider my wardrobe. eek


Tomorrow will be 77 degrees, so it will be near perfect, and I have Missy and Beau both for a couple of days. puppy


Right now I have a bit of an earache, so I'll bid you all a good night, and wish you a happy Wednesday. hamster


joe
_________________________
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

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#1129445 - 10/24/17 09:51 PM Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 74079
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe, we may have snow by Sunday! Trade you! It's still been non-stop rain here and my head is still so very unhappy about it. I need a pain free day desperately!

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1129456 - 10/24/17 11:05 PM Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 7208
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Enjoy the weather tomorrow, Joe. Sounds fantastic. thumbsup Hope your ear feels better!

Ana, it's way too soon for snow. eek So sorry your head still hurts. sad Are you taking anything for it?

It's Tuesday night, and I'm off to sleep. It's back to a 5 am wake up for me. At least the pain isn't keeping me up like it was the first night, although I do wish I asked for more days off now. Mostly because I have 7 stores to go to, and so far, the pain is worse when I'm standing up and walking around. crazy Oh, well, hopefully, it will be better, and if not, hopefully whatever I'm working on will take my mind off of it. smile

Okay, off to sleep. Have a great Wednesday, everyone. fall


Edited by venus (10/24/17 11:06 PM)
_________________________
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

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#1129461 - 10/24/17 11:19 PM Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 74079
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
venus, I hope the antibiotics kick in quick and ease your pain. It's miserable working when you are hurting. I have migraine meds, but they aren't working. I've taken my entire arsenal of remedies and no luck. :(

L4L, I have Olbas Peppermint and other herbal oils. I will dig it out and try it!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1129477 - 10/25/17 04:27 AM Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22236
Loc: Marlborough USA
fall Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and everyone. We were lucky the storm was not as bad where we are and we haven't lost power. Joe hope your earache goes away. Ana peppermint oil does help! Hope you find yours and try it. Venus feel better! Coffee and tea are ready.
Wishing you all a peaceful day! fall
_________________________
Gerry

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#1129492 - 10/25/17 08:06 AM Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 18076
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers fall

Joe, hope your ear stops hurting soon.

Ana, hope you find just the right med or oils to work on your headache.

Venus, hope you have less pain soon.

Gerry, I could use a cup of nice hot coffee. Thanks.

Still raining here. Wishing everyone a great day! wave2
_________________________
Gail

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#1129500 - 10/25/17 08:29 AM Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 9923
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Great Hump Day. Joe, Ana, and Venus, I hope you are all feeling better quickly. L4L, I'm watching The 100, The Black List, and The Originals. It depends on who I'm watching Netflix with. Queen of Hearts at the Eagles tonight. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. AC off, windows open. fall
_________________________
Connie

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#1129503 - 10/25/17 08:55 AM Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 15590
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning all. Thanks for the BB pancakes connie. Well, I have an appointment at the pain clinic at 1:00 in Waltham this afternoon and I'm canceling it because of the weather. We have pouring rain and thunder and fierce winds blowing up to 40 miles an hour. I have to drive on 128 for a better part of the trip, no thank you. I'll change the appointment for a day that isn't so bad.

I hope you all have a good day today. See you later.

Midgie hearts wavegirl
_________________________
Just do it.

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#1129516 - 10/25/17 10:22 AM Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47192
Loc: Alabama
Happy Hump Day ya'll puppy

Windows open happydance Will be grabbing Keoki and taking him to the park in just a minute. He is hiding in the bedroom trying to look invisible. He is ok once we get there, but is not enthusiastic about the prospect. Hubby walked the other 3, so I might walk Skywalker again when I walk me, or maybe I'll just walk me.

Daughter sent me a little video of giving Leo his first real food. He was not a fan. rotfl


Joe, hope that earache is better.

Ana, hope your head is improving

Venus, hope your back is better.

Gerry, coffee, definitely coffee. Thanks!

Gail, do ya'll need the rain?

Connie, will have to check out some of those.

Midgy, sorry you have to cancel your appointment. I don't drive in bad weather either.

Off to walk wavegirl
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#1129525 - 10/25/17 11:20 AM Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 9339
Loc: San Diego, CA
In your honor, Ana, I woke up with a sinus headache. Actually, I woke up well before getting up time. Ugh! Pressure changes with our heat wave. I rarely have a headache. Hoping it goes away soon. Headaches are bad news. Hope you feel better soon. My mom had migraines and I remember her spending days on her bed, with a pillow over her head, and an ice bag and closing all the curtains and we all had to be very very quiet. Nothing seemed to work for her. Have a better day Ana!

Off to the dentist again. Getting the permanent cap today and maybe fixing that previous cap that still hurts like heck. Hope he can figure it out.
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#1129596 - 10/25/17 07:57 PM Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 26611
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Hope the cap-off went smooth SortaB

Hey there L4L hearts

Good decision Midge, hope you can get back in soon

Have fun at the Eagles tonight Connie...I'll have a Danish to go and a cup of tea Gerry

Nice and cool here Gail and we're loving it!!

Joe, Venus and Ana .. hope you get to feeling better

Time to feed dogs and then off to bed wave2

sleep
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music

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#1129635 - 10/25/17 11:10 PM Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 74079
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Nighty night...long day.

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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