When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."
The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in a big cesspool.
"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.
Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''
''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''
She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''
The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''
The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''
''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''
The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"
Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.
He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand...
The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?"
The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you were talking about 'goats'."
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
Good morning everyboomie.
I had a super Saturday. It was warm and windy. I took the pups for a couple of walks. Otherwise we hung out and watched TV and napped.
Is everybody ready for a trip in the way back machine?
Everyone gets to take a hike back one hour tonight....except for me.
I get to go back two hours, because my clock is still and hour ahead.
Now if I can just get the dogs and Pepper to sleep 2 hours later.
Have a happy day everyone.