There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle
corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter
told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your
motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God."
So Arthur asked God " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,
"hold on." so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in
a few words, and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally passed gas quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
```````````Arkansas Professional Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A. '66 Ford Fairlane B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C. '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour,
how many radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in
a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter
is 14". How many Budweiser tall-boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be
the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine at 24 inches on center with a field rock foundation.
The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1" thick rough sawn pine.
When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The
man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph.
The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to
avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles
that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A coal mine operates an NFPA class 1, division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift.
A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked
during the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that
has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and
hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy
in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!!
The very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from
my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!''
The suprised man said, ''OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master
bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.''
The genie replied with a smirk, ''Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the
bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen.''
The man said, ''Fine then, I want to understand women.''
The genie said, '' Would you like two lanes or four?''
It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.
Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:
"Private Jones! Front and center."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Private Jones! Jump!"
Jones just stood there, unmoving.
"Private Jones! I said jump!"
The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.
"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"
The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."
Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."
Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"
Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.
By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.
As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:
"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"
Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to a whole new week.
I think it's really cool when that happens...........and I'm still around to see it.
Not that I didn't expect to be here for it mind you.
I didn't expect the Cowboys to win yesterday, but they did, so I'm not always right anyway.
I certainly hope no one made any bets based on any of my prognostications.
If you did, oops sorry!
Here's one for you. I think Monday will be a super day. What do you wanna bet?
Have a happy day everyone.