If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
~Alice Roosevelt Longworth~
10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection
(lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh
8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when
you're only six inches away.
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, If you will have make love with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only make love with me fifteen times in a row.
The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?
Finally, she said, Enough Okay, if you will make love with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.
Then the young son asked: "Wait How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow?"
With Sam dying, his wife Carol was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand praying and crying, this roused him
from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips said..."my darling Carol."
"Hush, my love"...she said... "rest, don't talk."
In his tired voice..."I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess"...replied the weeping Carol...
"everything is all right, just go to sleep."
"No"...he struggles..."I must die in peace, I have something to
tell you Carol...I cheated on you!"
"I know"...Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead...
"just relax and let the poison do it's job."
A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the Mayo Clinic.
The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark room at the hospital and answers it. We've received the results from your tests, says the doctor on the other end of the line. Bad news you have Ebola.
Oh, my God, cries the man. Doc! What am I going to do?
Don't worry. First, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread, says the doctor.
Will that cure me?
No, but it's the only food we???ll be able to get under the door.
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
After receiving His son`s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What Dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck."
Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
I'm having a little trouble adjusting to the time change.
I'm used to getting ready for bed when it gets dark, so now I have to get this posted and get to bed a whole hour earlier.
That's because I'm scared of the dark. When it gets dark, I have to draw the shades and jump into bed, and hide under the covers.
I know from my childhood that the monsters can't find me if I hide under the covers.
I'm pretty sure I can't count on Missy to protect me.
I have to say though, that she makes a heck of a burglar alarm.
Have a happy day everyone.