All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
~Casey Stengel~
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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.
The Taliban shouted, Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
OK, OK said the old Jewish man, It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and says "Your a--hole brother won't let me in without a tie!
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A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
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Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.
They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.
Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day.
The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).
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An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.
The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottish man says, "Yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."
Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for sex"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
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1. You so dumb you invented a helicopter with an ejector seat.
2. You so dumb you got locked in a super market and starved to death.
3. You so dumb you got locked in the toilets and wet yourself.
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Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Get ready for a brand new week cause it's here, ready or not.
Sunday was (still is) a very mild day for us. At 6:00 it was 68 degrees, and I was outside in my shorts with no shirt on........scaring the ladies.
I've had my door propped open all afternoon so the dogs can run in and out at will, and I don't have to play doorman.
I watched a couple of good ball games this afternoon.
It's too bad the Cowboys weren't in one of them.
I just finished watching the Cowboys play, and now I'm free to watch something good.
I hope you all have a happy day, and a great new week.
joe
acebook
witter
yeah...my Broncos are playing the Patriots...I've got my fingers crossed but not holding my breath
Good Morning Joe, Ana, soot and everyone. Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready. 
