The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
~Thomas A. Edison~
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The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
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A guy goes into a bar. He orders a beer, and after a while he needs to go to the toilet. Because he is afriad someone will drink his beer, he puts a small note on it that says: "I spit in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns, and there is another note on the beer, saying "So did I!".
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Bumper Sticker Sayings
1. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
2. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You! Off my planet!
8. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
9. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
12. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
13. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
16. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
17. Adults are just kids who owe money.
18. You say I'm a [blip] like it's a bad thing.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
21. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
22. You look like s__t. Is that the style now?
23. Earth is full. Go home.
24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
26. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
27. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
28. You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery''
29. I've seen better looking butts in an ash tray.
30. You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!
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A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.
He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
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During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. ???Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish???? they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, ???Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish????
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... ???Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English.???
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This little fella joins the lazaratian Monks order and takes a vow of silence. However, he's promised by the head Monk that he can speak two words per year.
After the first year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Blankets"
After his second year the head Monk asks him again his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Food"
After the third year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "I'm Leaving"
The Head Monk says ... "Thank God...you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
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Good morning everyboomie.
The weekend is upon us again.
Time to get out the old body paint, paint a smile on our faces, and dance naked in the streets.
If you're on the shy side, you can skip that last part.
I usually get a little more creative with the body paint. I paint on a tuxedo, and go formal.
We really had the right weather for it today. It was 68 degrees when I got up at 7:30. It was 70 degrees when I went out at 9:00.
It was very windy all day with the wind out of the Southwest, which is what brought us all those warm temps right up from the Gulf of Mexico.
"ENCORE!!!" Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. You can send that warmth my way to Joe! Ana hope the sun shines to warm your day and help make you feel better! It's 25 degrees here right now! coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready to enjoy! 
After that, it worked fine. Wish I could fit a big TV in my little house. No room unless I remove most of the furniture. 
Slept in this morning and have not quite caught up with the day yet...and to be honest I'm not quite sure that I will 