Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
~Luis Bunuel~
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
Mary... Mary...
Is that you Fred?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.
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This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"
The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"
"No," shouted the man, " this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"
As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"
At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"
At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."
"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?"
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A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids."
The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg.
"Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.
"Neither. An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"
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One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods.
They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all.
"[blip]!" the man says, "I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway.
I'll make five at best." But his wife, who had been looking things over, said "Look, this shed has double doors at both ends.
If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green."
The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot.
But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot.
A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building.
As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, "Wait, look we can open these double doors and..."
"No way," the man says, cutting him off. "I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six."
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When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
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As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
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There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.. this is how their conversation went.
Guy 1: Yah..I'm originally from Dublin, Ireland
Guy 2: Really?! Me too!
Guy 1: I went to O'Malley High school.
Guy 2 :Bless my soul, I did too! What year did you graduate?
Guy 1: 1988!
guy 2: Same here!
A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didn't know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two Irish guys knew each other.
The bar tender replied, " Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again."
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A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, "Absolutely brilliant lovely oh, a fine fellow a genius, Mozart was."
The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right.
It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No.20 bus going to Erdington." There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her.
The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, "We're leaving right now."
In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, "You're really mad about something aren't you?"
"How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life!
You saw Mozart take the No.20 bus to Erdington, huh?
Everybody knows that the No.20 Bus doesn't go to Erdington!"
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Good Sunday morning bloomers.
I'm looking forward to a nice day of football watching, sleeping, and eating.
Not necessarily in that order though.
I'm sure I'll find the time to take the doggies parking in there. I have Beau again this weekend.
It was cooler here for Saturday, but extremely windy, so it was a bit uncomfortable compared to Friday.
Missy didn't like it. I had to carry her 3/4 of the way around the park.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Good Morning Joe,Ana and all. Joe sounds like a fun! Ana I hope you feel better! Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready.
Joe ... enjoy your football day
