There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Things Not To Say In Bed
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. Can you please try breathing through your nose.
6. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
7. Darling, did you lock the back door?
8. But whipped cream makes me break out in a rash.
9. person 1: This is your first time...right? person 2: It is....... today
10. Can you pass me the remote control?
11. Do you accept Visa?
12. On second thoughts, let's turn off the lights.
13. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.
14. So much for mouth-to-mouth
15. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
16. Try not to smear my make-up, will you'?
17. But I just brushed my teeth...
18. Smile, you're on candid camera!
19. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!
20. I want a baby!
21. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!
22. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
23. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
24. When is this supposed to feel good?
25. Did I remember to take my pill?
26. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
27. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
28. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?
29. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
30. No, really.. I do this part better myself.
31. This would be more fun with a few more people.
32. You're almost as good as my ex!
33. You look younger than you feel.
34. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
35. Now I know why she dumped you...
36. Does your husband own a sawn off shot-gun?
37. Have you ever considered liposuction?
38. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
39. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
40. I'll tell you I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..
41. Does this count as a date?
42. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
43. When would you like to meet my parents?
44. Have you seen "fatal attraction"?
45. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not to good with names.
46. Don't mind me... I always file my nails in bed.
47. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman.
48. Sorry but I don't do toes.
49. You could at least act like you're enjoying it!
50. Keep the noise down, my mother is a light sleeper.
51. I've slept with more women than Casanova!
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I
couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,"
Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung,
and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"Sorry Jack, I can't remember."
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
Bad Tips from Martha Stewart:
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon."
Good morning everyboomie.
We had ourselves a simply fantastic day at 73 or 74 degrees when the day got going full steam.
Out at the sod farm it was breezy, and a little bit nippy early on, and since I was back home by 10:30 it was a bit nippy most of the time I was out there.
There was nothing happening out there. we've had almost no rain since I was out there a month ago, so all I could do was walk around the pasture and look at gopher mounds.
One thing I'm sure about though is that I'm sure the gophers saw their shadows today, so I know we have at least 6 more weeks of Winter.
I didn't find anything out there, but Missy had a blast running around and playing.
Tomorrow..................is another day.
Have a happy day everyone.