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#1133301 - 11/27/17 07:43 PM Tuesday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 31957
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

~Fred Allen~
``````````````

An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it.
"Thank God," she says.
A man in the seat behind her says "Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"
"Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is silent for a moment, then says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought:
What shall we say when Stalin dies?"
The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"

```````````

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

```````````

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?!"

`````````

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

They ask,"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you f-art."

`````````````

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

`````````````

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself

to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the

captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician

found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day and then another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

````````````

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."

``````````

Good morning everyboomie. wave2


I've had a nuther lovely day with lots of sunshine within and without. joy


This is what Fall is all about. wink


Now I'm looking forward to a nice evening with my recorded Stargate Atlantis shows. yay


Tomorrow I may drive out to the sod farm, with Missy, and see what's going on. It's been weeks. yes


I hope you all have a very happy ogre free Tuesday. taz


joe
_________________________
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

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#1133306 - 11/27/17 08:16 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 74230
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Glad you had a sunshine filled day, Joe! You spread sunshine here everyday with your Diner! hearts
Good luck at the sod farm today! Hope Missy enjoys it.

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave
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Don't feed the Trolls

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#1133314 - 11/28/17 03:28 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22300
Loc: Marlborough USA
fall Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Sounds like a fun day Joe! Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready and waiting!
Wishing everyone a Happy Day! fall
_________________________
Gerry

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#1133318 - 11/28/17 07:11 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 18130
Loc: Massachusetts
Morning Boomers pumpkin

Joe, glad you're enjoying your weather. Have fun if you go to the sod farm.

Ana, enjoy whatever the day brings today!

Gerry, coffee needed. Thanks! Enjoy the day!

Nothing much going on here. A quiet day ahead.

Wishing everyone a super good day! puppy
_________________________
Gail

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#1133321 - 11/28/17 07:20 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Online   content
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 9967
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Wonderful Tuesday. Not sure what the day and evening will bring, as my partner in crime is under the weather. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. fall
_________________________
Connie

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#1133338 - 11/28/17 10:32 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47241
Loc: Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

It's beautiful out there, so I'll be getting Keoki to the park at some point. Son asked for smoothies, so I'll be in the kitchen later. And I'll be cooking books. That's the day.

wavegirl
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#1133374 - 11/28/17 07:58 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 26712
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Hello Diner Boomers laugh

I home from work and am finished for the day with the exception of finding dinner later, feeding the dogs, gardening, gaming and listening to music. I'm telling you...it just doesn't get any better than this wink

Whoa Joe..enjoy!! Stargate...love the series. Good luck at the farm.

Oh my Ana, Gail, Gerry and Connie...I hope the day brought sunshine, warmth and pleasant happenings!

L4L hearts

Wishing everyone a super evening.

wave2
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music

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#1133380 - 11/28/17 08:33 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 9369
Loc: San Diego, CA
Had a busy day of shopping for necessities. Of course I came home with all sorts of 'christmas' stuff too. Good time of year to find special candy, etc.

Bought a 'live' wreath at Costly Co so I would have some Christmas spirit. I always put one on my back gate so I can smell the pine as I come and go. Ahhhhhh!

Neighbors are up to no good. The girlfriend of the guy around the corner is parking her car across from my house for some reason. She used to do that when they were trying to avoid the wife finding out she was there. So now, she's doing it again and those of us who know about the affair are speculating on why she's being 'sneaky' again when there is loads of available parking in the driveway and on the street? She hasn't been shy for several months and now it's confusing. Time will tell.

Loads of delivery trucks from all places, UPS, OnTrac, FedEx, etc. delivering packages around the neighborhood. I've been watching all of them and they ALL just toss the packages over the fence near the mailbox (near the public sidewalk). They do it to me too. Regular post office gal/guy does it to me too. I'm furious, what with all the package thefts. Around here, thieves are following the delivery trucks, wait till they leave and then quickly grab the goodies and drive off. Way too much of it lately with all the Christmas shopping. I'm expecting 2 more deliveries and am watching like a hawk for them to arrive. One of them is my CHECKS reorder. Yeah, those would be a major 'gift' to thieves. scared
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WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#1133392 - 11/28/17 10:47 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 74230
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Sorta, never dull by you!

I'm exhausted. Fighting off delivery of my hubby's cold which he got from me. We are playing tag with it and I don't want to play!

Hope you all had a great day!
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Don't feed the Trolls

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