They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
A businessman walks into a bar after a day at the office, sits down, and orders a drink. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he takes his first sip, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? The women must love you."
Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he finishes his drink & peanuts and orders another.
Next he hears a voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look grrrreat."
He whirls around to again see no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts and orders a third drink. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks fantastic. Is it an Armani? You are *SO* G.Q.!"
He immediately calls the bartender over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I going crazy?"
"Oh," the bartender, nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."
"The peanuts?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yeah," replies the bartender, "...they're complimentary."
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father."
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.
On one sunny afternoon in a farm there are three bulls - elder, middle-aged, and a young - talking to each other about a new bull moving-in to their farm.
"I'm here in this farm for more than 50 years now. And I earned my rights to have 50 cows during the years. I'm not sharing one of my cows with that new bull coming-in." grumbled by the elder bull.
"I've been here for 30 years and I earned my rights to own 30 cows and I don't neither desire to give any of my cows with that new bull." growled the middle-aged bull.
"I only been here for 10 years and I know I earned my 10 cows as much as you guys do. I will not give even a single of my cow." says the young bull.
Suddenly, a huge steel-container truck came by. Inside is the new bull they are discussing about. It's the biggest son-of-another-bull they've ever seen in their whole life. Every step it took shake the whole ground.
"Well, I've been here for quite some time now. It doesn't hurt a bit to give some of my cows with our new guy." exclaimed by the elder bull.
"I'm a friendly bull, perhaps I can give some of my cows with our guy for a welcome present." told by the middle-aged bull.
The young bull was shaking his horns, puffing, and all as if ready for some deadly fight.
The elder bull said, "My son, let me give you quick advice, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
The young bull replies "Heck, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
A Fishy tale.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold; he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".....................
.........."I've found Cod, and I'm a prawn again Christian"
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Good morning everyboomie.
We have arrived at the weekend, and you're all free to move about the diner.
Friday was the first day of December, in this time zone, and we were 72 degrees.
This is my only concern with these temperatures. If it's this warm now, what's it going to be when Summer rolls back around?
I think I still have plenty of time to contemplate that predicament before it gets here.
I had a nice day of cleaning.......again. Guess I just have a dose of Spring fever.
Not that things don't need cleaning around this pig pen.
Have a happy day everyone.
The Cowboys are winning again tonight.