I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in fifteen years, met for lunch one day, to catch up.
"I got married and my husband just bought me a 24K gold necklace," said the first woman.
"That's nice," said the second.
"And he bought me a Mercedes sports car for our anniversary."
"And he bought me a house along the beach for my birthday."
"I heard you were married and went through a messy divorce - what did your husband get for you while you were together?"
"He sent me to finishing school."
"What did you learn at finishing school?"
"To say 'that's nice' instead of 'go to hell!'"
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed and told him: "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".
The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead".
The don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man.
Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'"?
Murphy's Flight Laws
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost.
It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.”
He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:
"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that's ok," he said.
"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.
"That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"
"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."
An elderly couple is sitting in church. The woman says to her husband, "I just let out a silent f-art. What should I do?" The man turns to her and says, "Well, you can start by changing the battery in your hearing aid."
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd quess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Good morning everyboomie.
Sunday Monday happy days....
We had another great day here Saturday, and Sunday will be warm too in the mid 70s.
I plan on taking Missy parking, and then trip on over to Walmart and knock out some grocery shopping.
The rest of the day belongs to my muse.....Vizio.
In fact I hear her calling now.
Have a happy day everyone.