Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
A man went into a bar and said to the barman
"Pint of best please",
The barman said "That'll be 5 cents please"
The man was amazed at the cheapness and asked for the menu. He selected T-bone steak and chips,
The bar man said "That'll be 25 cents"
"Thats fantastic!" said the man, "Can I speak to the owner, I'd like to congratulate him on his prices!"
"No", the barman replied, "He's upstairs with my wife"
"Whats he doing with your wife?" asked the man.
The barman replied "The same as I am doing with his business down here!"
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?
If those are true stories, I just have one question. How did anybody know the terrorist had mailed the bomb to begin with?
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night I
can't remember when I've been that
- [blip]! Page 47 of the manual is
- Well this book doesn't say that...
What edition is your manual?
- OK, now take a picture from this
angle. This is truly a freak of
- Better save that. We'll need it for
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen,
then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that
- If I can just remember how they did
this on ER last week.
- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml
of this stuff before?
- [blip], there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there's big money in
kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two
- Everybody stand back! I lost my
- Could you stop that thing from
beating; it's throwing my
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an
experiment for all of us.
- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean,
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a
- What do you mean, he's not insured?
- This patient has already had some
kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the
organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- I don't know what it is, but hurry up
and pack it in ice.
- Let's hurry, I don't want to
miss "Bay Watch"
- That laughing gas stuff is pretty
cool. Can I have some more of that?
- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that
one, he's still moving.
- Did the doctor know he would look
like that afterwards?
- Of course I've performed this
operation before, Nurse!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Good morning everyboomie.
It is the end of another lovely day here in Gods country.
Speaking of the end though, it looks as though our string of lovely weather days has come to an end.
Not complaining mind you, but my disposition may not be as sunny for the next few months.
Actually December is still forecast to only drop into the 50s and 60s for the most part. How can you complain about that?
We were near 80 degrees here today, and the winds blew pretty hard all day, and ushered in a cold front, which brought with it some pretty severe storms which started about 2 minutes ago.
They shouldn't last long though.
I wouldn't mind actually if they lasted all night, but I know that won't happen. They're almost gone already.
Good thing I have lots of programs recorded though.
Have a happy day everyone.