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#1133949 - 12/03/17 07:31 PM Monday
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 31956
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

~Ron White~
`````````````

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

```````````

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

```````````


Signs That You're Broke

At communion you go back for seconds.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.

McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

``````````````

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

```````````

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friends act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank., "You know hes only going to use it on drugs or booze."

Matt replies, "And we weren't?"

`````````````

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

````````````

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

```````````

Good morning everyboomie. hamster


Man oh man I had a crazy nightmare last night. shocked


I dreamed that scientist discovered that eating chocolate gives you cancer. scared


Woke me up in a cold sweat. slapforehead


It's Sunday night at 6:20, and it's still 70 degrees outside. woot


It's only dropping down to 62 tonight, and Monday will be 78 degrees they say. penguin


We went to Walmart early, then to the park, then came back and watched a couple of football games, then took another walk, then watched another ball game and ate dinner, and showered. Whew!


Now it's time to watch another ball game to end a near perfect day. thumbsup


Well, after seeing everyone in the diner, and posting a new one, now it's a perfect day. urock


Have a happy day everyone.


joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (12/03/17 09:11 PM)
_________________________
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

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#1133964 - 12/03/17 11:11 PM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Happy Birthday BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 74224
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
It was a fantastic day yesterday, Joe! I got some Super Moon photos and some fantastic sunset photos in Chicago!

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1133977 - 12/04/17 06:00 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22296
Loc: Marlborough USA
wave Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Sounds like you had a relaxing day Joe. Ana would love to see your pictures! Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready.
Wishing everyone a Great Monday! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#1133982 - 12/04/17 07:07 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 9962
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Great Monday. Going shopping and to lunch with a friend. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. fall
_________________________
Connie

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#1133984 - 12/04/17 07:26 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 18128
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers wavegirl

Joe, sounds like really good day for you yesterday.

Ana, enjoy whatever the day brings around.

Gerry, coffee please and thank you.

Connie, have a wonderful day with your friend. Happy Monday Everyone. lab
_________________________
Gail

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#1134016 - 12/04/17 10:45 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
niteowl07 Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/06/05
Posts: 9012
Loc: the dusty desert
wavemorning , evertone !

hope you all have the best day ever !

catrub

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#1134030 - 12/04/17 12:17 PM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47241
Loc: Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

Son went to work and just came home sick sad

I'm going to be walking dogs and not sure what else wavegirl
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#1134059 - 12/04/17 06:56 PM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 26708
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Moanday Monday afternoon everyone laugh

The day is slipping to evening

It's time to unwind & relax

And before you know I'll be sleeping joy

Wishing you all a quiet evening

See you later

wave2
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music

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#1134074 - 12/04/17 11:28 PM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Happy Birthday BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 74224
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Nighty night
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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