There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a poop anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"
"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.
"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble taking a poop?", asked the 70 year old.
"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a [blip] every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"
To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!"
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers.
They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight.
No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom.
She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.
Finally she goes in the bedroom and they make love for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?"
The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. "
You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised.
"How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Dave and Bo went elk hunting every year. The forest was so thick that they had to hire a helicopter to take them in and out. At the hunt's end, Dave and Bo called up the helicopter to come and get them and the six elks they had shot.
On arrival, the helicopter pilot looked over the catch. "I can only carry half of your catch," he said. "Six elk would be too heavy for the helicopter."
"Last year the helicopter carried six elk," replied Dave. "And it was the same type of helicopter as yours and the weather conditions were exactly the same."
The pilot succumbed to persuasion and took aboard the hunters and their six elk. The helicopter could not gain height and skimmed along the tops of the trees for a mile or so, and then crashed. Fortunately no-one was hurt.
"Do you know where we are?" asked Bo.
"Yes," replied Dave, "about a hundred yards from where we crashed last year."
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four
years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.
When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend,
she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this:
she took a Polaroid picture of her in bed with her new boyfriend
and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading,
"I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to HER parents.
An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill"!
A three legged dog is walking down the middle of the road with a shotgun in his hand. When he was asked why he had a shotgun he said "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa".
Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already? Next thing you know November will be over with.
I have a slight tendency to lose track of time these days.
It's been a day here. A good one too, with pleasant interruptions......not my usual ones, like where I have to get up because my leg is asleep.
It's always nice to here from the kids........all 12 of them.
Anyway it's been such a nice day that I'm now hoping I have a whole bunch more of them.
Time to spend a little time with my four legged children now.
I've gotta get me some knee pads.
Have a happy day everyone.