Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching.
~Thomas Jefferson~
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A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune....
"One US soldier is better than ten Taliban"
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then ssilence. The voice then call out.....
"One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban"
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again....
"One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".
The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with
his dying words tells his commander..... "It's a trap....there's two of them!"
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
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George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back, that's what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price". "No, it's not that," says George.
"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!
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An alien and a man were sitting next to each other in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy's cheek and saying, "zzzt!" Finally, the guy got so mad at the alien that he said, "If you do that one more time, I'll chop your [blip] off!''
Again, the alien poked his cheek and said, "zzzt!"
The guy said, "Okay, that's it!" He got up, grabbed the sharpest knife he could find, and pulled down the alien's pants. But he was astounded to see nothing there.
He then said, "Well, if you don't have a [blip], how do you have sex?"
The alien just smiled, poked the guy's cheek, and said "zzzt!"
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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and ask her to make love with me. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
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An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a! and rode off.
What did you do to get that Indian so excited? asked the service-station attendant.
Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off, the woman answered.
Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback.
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.
With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"
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A drunk had 14 shots of tequilla. After he decides to go home.
2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk calls 911, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies,"someone broke into my car, they stole the stearing wheel, the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the dashboard."
Minutes later police arrive on the scene.
The drunk goes up to the head officer and says, "nevermind occifer, I got into the backseat by mistake."
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Good morning everyboomie.
I see some of you are getting snow now, and I have to admit I'm a little green with envy.
I would love to watch it snow all day, but I'm kinda like I want it here today, gone tomorrow. Ya know?
We are going to be 68 degrees for Sunday, 71 degrees for Monday, and I ain't complaining about that one bit.
I think the Cowboys play early today, for once.
If they lose, then I'm done with football for this year, because they will be done.
On the other hand, if they win every game from here on out, then I predict they will win the Super Bowl.
Have a happy day everyone.
Is it Halloween yet?
joe
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Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. We did get lots of snow - about 8 inches! It's beautiful! Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready.
