The spirit of Christmas is the spirit of love and of generosity and of goodness. It illuminates the picture window of the soul, and we look out upon the world's busy life and become more interested in people than in things.
~Thomas S. Monson~
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A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch.
"Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth"
"Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?"
"The light was on."
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The warden of the prison walked into Death Row and stopped in front of one of the cells.
He said to the inmate, "I'm sorry but the Governor has rejected your plea for clemency and the execution will have to go forward. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"
The prisoner thought a moment and he said, "I would like to do the Macarena one last time before I die."
They agreed that this was a reasonable last request. He stopped in front of another cell. "I'm sorry but your plea for clemency was rejected as well and we will have to execute you after him. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"
The second condemned man looked at the first prisoner for a moment and then said, "Could you PLEASE kill me first?"
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A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said, "I concede laddie. Ye can keep the [blip] egg!!"
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There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were sitting in the OB/GYN's office and the brunette and the redhead were discussing whether they were having boys or girls.
The redhead said that she was on top and the doctor said that was how to get pregnant with a boy.
The blonde, listening, began to cry.
The brunette said that she was on the bottom and the doctor said that was how to get pregnant with a girl.
The blonde then began crying in earnest.
The brunette and redhead rushed over and asked her what was wrong.
The blonde said, "Red is having a boy, you are having a girl and I have just figured out that I am having puppies!!!!!!!!!!"
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A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
I was doing some important work in the cemetery last night when I was interrupted by two drunks.
I kill me.
It's Tuesday......the day I like reading all my mail from Monday.
My week has gone quite splendid so far, but then that's all of one day.
I had lunch at the casino today with my sister. She couldn't make it on my BD, so she caught up with me today, and I took time out of my hectic schedule to let her buy my lunch.
I had some ribs, and brought the bones back for Missy. I think she liked them.
She eats like a horse.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. 
