Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.
~Norman Vincent Peale~
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A Blind man walks into a department store with his guide dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head by its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No Thanks - I'm just looking around"
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The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even poop anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothing comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble pooping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I poop every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
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An Illinois lady left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. Her husband was on a business trip and was planning to meet her there the next day.
When she reached her hotel, she decided to send her husband a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which she had written his email address, she did her best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, she missed one letter and her note was directed instead to an elderly widow, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST HONEY: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
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A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.
First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.
After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.
The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick the other end."
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A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ..."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn nun out there again?"
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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards him. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs
in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry
to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.
"Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat".
"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time".
So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. "Everything's ok over here", Paddy said.
"Except you're cat. It's dead"!
"oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"!
"What do you mean?", replied Paddy.
"Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary.
So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.
"All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma -
She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down"!
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already? Oly ell!
Today was chilly here. Chilly Willy!
We got up somewhere in the 50s this afternoon though, so it wasn't that bad all in all.
Wednesday will be back up in the mid 60s, and back in the mid 50s T, F & S.
That's my forecast for the rest of this week. Check back Sunday for next weeks forecast.
If you're really interested that is.
Missy and I have Beau visiting with us again for a couple of days, so i guess I'd better get off here now, and go entertain my guest.
Have a fabulous day everyone.
joe