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Monday's #1135546
12/17/17 08:27 PM
12/17/17 08:27 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Christmas is the spirit of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because we see joy in people. It is forgetting self and finding time for others. It is discarding the meaningless and stressing the true values.

~Thomas S. Monson~
``````````````````

Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

````````````

A new preacher told his wife he was going to preach on water skiing.
She said you can't preach on water skiing. If you do I am not going.
So she stayed home in the house behind the church.
As the preacher listened to the singing and got ready to preach, he thought I don't know anything about water skiing.
I will preach on sex.
After church a deacon walked by the house and told the preachers wife it sure was a good sermon.
The preachers wife said I'm really surprised, he only tried it twice. and fell off both times.

`````````

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of
bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed
with another man. What do you do than? Point to you watch and say TIMES
UP?"

`````````````

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

```````````

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters."

"They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

```````````

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

``````````````

An Irish guy goes into a bar in America and asks for three separate shots of Whiskey. He drinks one, waits a little bit, then drinks the second one, waits a little bit more, and then drinks the third one. This goes on for a few days, and finally the bartender tells him: "You know sir, I can put all three shots in one glass for you".
The guy replies "No, I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers. They are both still in Ireland, and this represents a drink for each of us. When I drink like this, I feel like we are drinking together again, all three of us".

This goes on for several months, and then one day the guy walks into the pub and asks for only two shots.
The bartender is worried that maybe something happened to one of his brothers.
"Is everythink OK"? he asks.
"What do you mean", answers the guy.
"Well, for months you have been asking for three shots. now you order two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?", the bartender asks.
"No", replies the Irish guy, "Theyr'e fine. It's just that I quit drinking".

`````````````

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.



The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."



The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."



The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

`````````````

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a
shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see another Australian visitor.


The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a
tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
" No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount
animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
He's okay boys. He's one of us."

`````````````

Good morning everyboomie. santadance


I'm getting ready to watch the Cowboy game, and I'm having trouble with my 'O' on the keyboard. mad12


It keeps not wanting to work, so if it suddenly looks like I'm typing gibberish, that's why. wink12


This computer's less than a year old, so I'm not happy about it. shame12


I've been watching football all day, and I'm not too happy about the games I've watched, except for one of them. duh12


Green Bay lost and I'm happy about that one. yay12


Now if only Dallas can get a win, and give me a Christmas gift. tree


Have a happy day everyboomie. thumbsup12


joe



Last edited by gymcandy1; 12/17/17 08:34 PM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1135550
12/17/17 09:00 PM
12/17/17 09:00 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Joe, Can you pop off the key? I have that issue sometimes and just pop it off and clean it. I hope Dallas wins for you! I'll be silently rooting for you! joy

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave12


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1135567
12/18/17 04:46 AM
12/18/17 04:46 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
winter Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready.
Wishing you all a great Monday! winter


Gerry
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1135575
12/18/17 08:01 AM
12/18/17 08:01 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
tree Good morning everyone, have a Wonderful Monday. We will be having warm weather this week and a warm Christmas. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. reindeer


Connie
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1135576
12/18/17 08:14 AM
12/18/17 08:14 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers yay12

Joe, have a wonderful day!

Ana, enjoy whatever the day brings round.

Gerry, coffee please and thank you.

Connie, enjoy your warm weather.

Wishing everyone here and everyone on their way a wonderful, happy day! tree


Gail
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1135591
12/18/17 10:59 AM
12/18/17 10:59 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Magnifcent Monday ya'll puppy

Waiting on the heater guy...pilot light was out again yesterday. It's warm today so we don't need the heater, and we may not need the heater for the rest of the winter, but they need to figure out why the light keeps going out.

Have a great day ya'll wavegirl


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1135608
12/18/17 12:50 PM
12/18/17 12:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
So after the night before last when I completely slept though a HUGE tow truck backing down my driveway, within 15 feet of my OPEN bedroom window, beeping as it went, rumbling, etc. I made it a point to try to stay alert while sleeping. Ha. But this morning, I woke up to a very light hammering of something somewhere. Couldn't see it out the window, but I'll try to find out WHO was pounding away at SIX am! Lovely way to wake up. Oh and the tow truck was for my middle tenant. They have two cars, only one of them (the son) drives and he alternates the cars all day long. Don't know where he goes for 5-20 minutes, but he sure goes in and out a lot. Anyway, at 11 pm in comes one of the cars on the flatbed tow truck. The son actually started it, backed it off the truck and promptly rolled it right into the back of their other car. I didn't see it of course because I slept though the entire event, but my other tenant/friend, saw the whole thing. We are still trying to figure out why it got towed home. Seemed to run fine. Guessing it was the lights went out, brakes ditto, or maybe an oil leak? I might find out today if I intercept the mom when she comes up to get her mail. Still can't believe I slept though all that commotion. duh12


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1135609
12/18/17 12:58 PM
12/18/17 12:58 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Wow, Sorta, I'd say being able to sleep through all that is a blessing. Hope you can solve the mystery. wavegirl


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1135638
12/18/17 08:06 PM
12/18/17 08:06 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Well, today the offending car seemed to be running just fine. Have no idea what was wrong. Maybe he got drunk and needed a ride home?? BUT also today, I got a BILL from the trash company (it's not the month I should get one). So looking closer, it was my name and address, but the tenant's bill! Seems last month when the son asked me about an 'overdue' bill which he thought was just a mistake, they finally took my advice and paid it. Well, actually they paid HALF of it only. So this bill is for ME as the owner of the property to pay the trash bill for that address. I immediately took it to them and tried to explain that the trash guys still didn't get full payment and to check their bank account for the missing check and call the trash company. Hopefully they did and it will all be settled. If I get a second bill for them I will be a bit more forceful on insisting they pay the stupid bill whether or not they think they did. Might be a lost check in the mail or something, but when that happened to me last year (right around this time) I sent a SECOND check just in case. Then a few weeks later, they ended up with a double payment and I insisted they keep both and credit it to the next bill. Worked out just dandy. I will tell my tenants to do the same. Bad time around the holidays to be finding extra money and their rent is going up on January 1st too. I feel sympathy, but it's not my bill even if the trash company rules say it is. Landlords must pay trash bills if they don't get it from the tenants, and if the rental is empty, the Landlord still has to pay the trash service even if it's not being used. Great way to insure trash gets picked up and fills the city's coffers.


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1135641
12/18/17 08:49 PM
12/18/17 08:49 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Hi everyone. I've been busy with real life butting in again. A week ago last Saturday I was at work when the Blisses and everyone at their house heard a horrible crash....turns out it was a plow truck that was blinded by high beams, plowed into my Honda Civic that I only had for 4 months. It was totaled and not drivable so Dan, son of Mike Bliss, drove me home and the next day I needed a ride so off to the car rental place loaned me a car. This is a week and a couple of days that I've been waiting to hear anything about it and I finally heard from my insurance company that it was to be evaluated to see if it could be salvaged or totaled. I'll find out tomorrow. Then it's off to hunt for another Honda civic if I can find one. I really loved that car. I hope I can find one. I'd show you but I can't remember how to post it. Anyway, that's been my life for a few weeks.

Midgie hearts wavegirl


Just do it.
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1135669
12/19/17 12:28 AM
12/19/17 12:28 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Midgie, I am so sorry. I'm just thankful you weren't in it! I hope you can get the situation remedied quickly.

Ana wave12


Don't feed the Trolls
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