I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles Dickens~
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Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard.
Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard.
It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball.
It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond.
On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away.
As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
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A man comes into a small town and starts convincing people he has super-natural powers.
He meets a guy called George who is unable to walk without crutches and asks him: "George, how would you like to get rid of those crutches?
With my powers I will cure your legs so that you will be able to run like a tiger".
Then he goes to a guy called Stan who stutters and asks him if he would also like to be cured.
Stan says: "O---O---Of course I w--would like t--t--that".
So, the man invites the whole town to sit in front of a big stage, where he puts Stan and George behind a red curtain.
"Ladies and gentlemen", he says, "I will now ask George to through him crutches from behind the curtain".
Immediately a pair of crutches is thrown from behind the curtain, and the audience is shocked.
"Ladies and gentlemen", he then says, "I will now ask John to speak without stuttering".
A few seconds of silence pass, but John is not heard.
"John, please, speak to us".
Still, nothing.
"John, everybody came to hear you speak, please, start now".
Then a sound is finally heard from behind the curtain:
"G--G--G-----George f-fell!"
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A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the
hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies,
"Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't
charge you anything, it's on the house"
The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 2 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon
for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You
don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of
the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."
The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 diamonds on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a
haircut and a beard trim.
When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn't ask
you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise
man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.
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A guy goes into the store and says to the clerk, I would like some Polish Sausage. The clerk looks at him and says "Are you Polish?"
The guy says "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German??" Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?
The clerk says "Well, no."
The guy says "Then, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"
The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."
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List of the Funniest Bumper Stickers In America
1. Constipated People Don't Give A (bleep).
2. That is so five minutes ago!!
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
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Good morning everyboomie.
It's Friday.
I hate seeing Thursday leave too. I could not have asked for a nicer day.
It got up to 70. I went to see the Star Wars movie at 11:00. Great movie!! Would like to watch it again.
After the movie, I went home and had a sandwich, and then took Missy to the park.
Later on I took her walking around the block.
Ah the good life.
Friday is going to be almost 30 degrees colder.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe