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#1136447 - 12/25/17 08:07 PM Tuesday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32124
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.

~Winston Churchill~
```````````````````

A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, "Mom, how did Dad die?" Her mom replied, "Heart attack."

"What was he doing?" the daughter asked. Her mother said, "Well, we were having sex."

This infuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old.

The daughter said, "You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this!

You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!"

The mom replied, "Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang.

So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack.

It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along..."

````````````

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): "May I address the
court?"
Judge: "Of course."
Defendant: "If I called you a son of a b---h, what would you do?"
Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail."
Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a b---h?"
Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
thinking."
Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a b---h."

````````````

Gennie!
A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window?
Uh yeah, we're very sorry about that, the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name" the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both thirty-five," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

```````````````

Heaven is where the police are British, the Chefs are Italians, the mechanics German, the lovers french and it is all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians.

`````````````

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

````````````

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

``````````````

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today???s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn???t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ???Who Represents??? where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name??? wait for it??? is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there???s the Italian Power Generator company??? www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you???re looking for computer software, there???s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there???s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

```````````

Good morning everyboomie. wave12


It's the morning after. wink12


That could have a lot of different meanings for different people, and I won't go into specifics. grinch


I pray that for everyone here it means another day off to celebrate the season, and not the day to go back to the working world. yes

It's my sister's birthday today. happydance12


I had the poor little street urchin over yesterday for a cup of coffee and a gift. presents12


You have to be very careful with them. They are very fragile when they pass 60. woot


I gave her a pillow to sit on. thumbsup12


Have a happy day everyone. santadance


joe
_________________________
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

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#1136455 - 12/25/17 11:06 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 75022
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
lol12 Joe! YOu love your sister! grin12 I would love to be a fly on the wall when you two get together. birthday to your sis!

Back to work for me. I have 5 hours of outdoor dog time on schedule and its going to be -13 windchill with temps at a high of 10. Ugh.

Warm thoughts everyone.

Ana hearts
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1136458 - 12/26/17 02:04 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 7568
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
birthday to your sister, Joe! Hope you have a great day also!

shiver That's way too cold, Ana! Sending you many warm thoughts! Hope the dogs are okay in the cold as well!

Well, I was going to take the day to relax tomorrow, as I don't have to go back to work until Wednesday. However, this evening, both my keyboard and speakers decided it was time to stop working. eek12 I'm okay as far as the keyboard is concerned, as I have a backup. I just need and prefer an ergonomic keyboard long term, so I ordered one from Amazon. I can get by with the standard keyboard for a few days.

However, I don't have a backup speaker, so I have to go out to Best Buy in the morning to get one. I had nice Bose speakers and want to stick with those, so I plan to just get the cheapest ones available. I wish I'd known this was going to happen earlier; I would have made some additions to my Christmas list. lol12

Okay, off to sleep. Have a great Tuesday, everyone. tree
_________________________
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

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#1136463 - 12/26/17 03:46 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Lex Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 8043
Loc: Isle of Man
Hope it all went well for everyone yesterday: the electricity went off here for the whole afternoon, so we had a cozy candle-lit time snacking and reading (Kindles with lights of course!) - and the Christmas meal will be today instead! wave12
_________________________
Life is what happens while you're making other plans.


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#1136465 - 12/26/17 04:45 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22660
Loc: Marlborough USA
happydance12 Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus, Lex and everyone. Joe how nice you spent some time with your sister on her Birthday. Ana it's freezing here this morning too. shiver Be care you keep your face covered up in the bitter cold! Venus maybe you'll get a good buy at Best Buy for speakers. Lex hope your power is back! Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready.
Wishing everyone a day filled with happy thoughts! happydance12
_________________________
Gerry

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#1136473 - 12/26/17 07:30 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 10183
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Wonderful Tuesday. Joe, birthday to your sis. We had a Great Christmas with friends and family. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, French Toast, and Bacon in the NC. reindeer
_________________________
Connie

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#1136478 - 12/26/17 09:46 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47481
Loc: Alabama
Happy Day After Christmas Folks

Happy Birthday to your sister.

We have a temporarily quiet house. Boys will be back tomorrow or the next day.

It's cold here, but nowhere like the cold you have, Ana. I wouldn't want my dogs being walked in that weather. Poor pups! I would think their wee little feet would freeze.

Venus, I keep a back up key board too rotfl12

Lex, what's for dinner?

Gerry, stay warm!

Connie, are you relaxing today?
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#1136479 - 12/26/17 10:15 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 27371
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Good morning Diner Gang laugh

Oh my Joe...I wouldn't go any deeper on that point either

birthday Happy Birthday Joe's sister

:eek: Ana...dress warm...walk fast

Enjoy your Christmas meal today Lex!

Good morning Gerry and Connie...I'll have grits, bacon and coffee

Totally quiet day today gaming with WOM

L4L hearts
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music

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#1136485 - 12/26/17 10:50 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 18262
Loc: Massachusetts
Happy Day After Christmas. tree

Wishing everyone a wonderful day!

Had Open House yesterday. Today is clean-up day! Whew! reindeer

Joe, birthday to your sister.


Edited by GBC (12/26/17 10:50 AM)
_________________________
Gail

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#1136491 - 12/26/17 11:33 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 14623
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe birthday to your sister and thanks for the laughs!

Oh Ana bundle-up out there. We have -17, feeling like -35, with a high of about -6 shiver Stay warm and have fun!

Oh venus not a good thing! Hope you find one on a good deal!!!

Oh Lex sorry the power went but glad you could make the most of it till the lights came back on!!

Gerry thank you for the HOT chocolate!!! Hits the spot!

Connie glad you had a great Christmas with family and friends!!

L4l enjoy the peace and quiet for a change!

Soot enjoy your quiet gaming day!!!

Gail hope the clean-up goes swiftly for you!

Have a lovely day everybody!!!!

shiver
Nan

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#1136493 - 12/26/17 11:56 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Online   content
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 9520
Loc: San Diego, CA
Woke up to beeping in my driveway. Was our SDGE electric/gas company truck going down to my tenant's house. I guess it was finally time to light the wall heater. The family who lives there is so afraid of the heater they leave it totally off until it's unbearable. I've tried to show them how to light it (simple) and that it's safe provided they don't put stuff in front of it, but to no avail for 29 years. Guess I will stop trying BUT at least they did call SDGE all by themselves this year. Score one for me that I didn't have to do it for them and stand by while the guy did his 'bit'. Eight AM was a bit early for me to be up and dressed and out. Hooray for them! Now if the back doorbell rings, I will know they turned off the pilot light AGAIN like they did last year. Accidently, but they panicked, thought the house was going to explode, etc. I had to call SDGE again and stand by while he explained it all again, then I had to explain it after he left and it was a looooong day last year. Hope all goes smoothly today.

NO jury duty today, but have to call in tonight again and all week. At least 3 trials are scheduled for Thursday-Friday, so there is a slight chance I will have to actually get up early, get 'appropriately' dressed and sit all day in a small room waiting for something interesting to happen. Waiting...waiting.
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#1136524 - 12/26/17 11:03 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 7568
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep12
_________________________
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

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