All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.
A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, "Mom, how did Dad die?" Her mom replied, "Heart attack."
"What was he doing?" the daughter asked. Her mother said, "Well, we were having sex."
This infuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old.
The daughter said, "You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this!
You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!"
The mom replied, "Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang.
So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack.
It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along..."
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): "May I address the
Judge: "Of course."
Defendant: "If I called you a son of a b---h, what would you do?"
Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail."
Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a b---h?"
Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a b---h."
A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window?
Uh yeah, we're very sorry about that, the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name" the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both thirty-five," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Heaven is where the police are British, the Chefs are Italians, the mechanics German, the lovers french and it is all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians.
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today???s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn???t give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called ???Who Represents??? where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name??? wait for it??? is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there???s the Italian Power Generator company??? www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you???re looking for computer software, there???s always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there???s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
Good morning everyboomie.
It's the morning after.
That could have a lot of different meanings for different people, and I won't go into specifics.
I pray that for everyone here it means another day off to celebrate the season, and not the day to go back to the working world.
It's my sister's birthday today.
I had the poor little street urchin over yesterday for a cup of coffee and a gift.
You have to be very careful with them. They are very fragile when they pass 60.
I gave her a pillow to sit on.
Have a happy day everyone.