No nation can rise to the height of glory unless your women are side by side with you.
~Muhammad Ali Jinnah~
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.
As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"
One day, at a New York Restaurant, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
``````````````Stephen Wright Jokes
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'
I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says '1 inch = 1 inch'. I hardly ever unroll it.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday; twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My (new) phone has no 'five' on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know, my calendar has no 'seven's on it.'
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says 'Here, you can go.'
I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. It erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, 'Hey, these records are all blank.'
I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor.'
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
If you take an Oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, 'Hi,' and she said, 'Hi,' and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?' and she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.' So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.' I said, 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Denise.' I said, 'Hello, Denise. I'm Bucky Goldstein.'
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
You know that feeling when you lean back too far on a stool and catch yourself just before you fall backwards? I feel like that all the time.
Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
If I didn't know better, I'd say this is the last day of the year.
Good thing I know better. I might sound strange walking around shouting Happy New Year to everyone I see.
I'm kinda in a hurry for the new year to get here though. 2017 just seemed so odd.
Planning on having a great Wednesday. No reason, just seems so pleasing.
Have a happy day everyone.