To me there is no picture so beautiful as smiling, bright-eyed, happy children; no music so sweet as their clear and ringing laughter.
~P. T. Barnum~
A guy with a Doberman Pinscher asks his friend who has a Chihuahua if he wants to grab a bite to eat.
The man with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go into a restaurant. We've got dogs with us."
"Just follow my lead," assures the other man.
They walk over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses before entering.
When he gets inside, the doorman says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed."
To which the man replies, "It's OK, this is my seeing eye dog."
"A Doberman?" the confused host asks.
"Yes, they're using them now. They're really quite good."
The host shrugs and says, "Come on in."
Next, the guy with the Chihuahua decides to give it a try, so he puts on his sunglasses and walks in.
The host stops him immediately and says, "Sorry guy, no pets allowed."
"You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog," the man replies.
The host says, "Oh, come on, a Chihuahua?"
At which point the man yells, "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motorist
for speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing around
his head, annoying him considerably.
"Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?" says the motorist.
"Yeah," says the patrolman, "if that's what these are, you're sure
right. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?"
"Well," the motorist responds, "circle flies are a species of fly that
are particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circle
around a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies."
The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, "You don't say. Well,
that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying to
call me a horse's ass. You wouldn't be making that kind of implication
about an officer of the law, would you?"
"Oh, no sir!" responds the motorist. "No, sir, not at all. I have the
utmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream of
implying that one of them was a horse's ass. No, sir, I'm terribly
sorry if that's how it sounded."
"Yeah, I didn't think so," replied the patrolman.
"Yeah," the motorist continued, "but there's just no fooling those
circle flies, is there?"
There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."
There were three couples that went to a church and asked to join. There was a newly wed couple, a middle-aged couple, and a older couple. The pastor told them that they had to go without sex for two weeks. Two weeks later they came back to that same church. The pastor asked the newly wed couple how it went. They replied "It was hard the first week, but then we made it through." He asked the older couple, and they replied "we did not have sex at all for the two weeks." He asked the middle-aged couple and the man said "She dropped a paint can!".
The pastor said "She dropped a paint can?.
The man replied, "She bent over with a paint can in her hand and I just had to get her right then and there!".
The pastor said, "I'm sorry you cannot step foot into this church again!" The man said, "That's okay, we can't go into Home Depot either!!"
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".
A few race horses are in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence, "A talking dog!."
A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.
The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly. "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, Sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "perhaps, if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
Only 361 shopping days left till Christmas.
It's almost time to put up the decorations.
Wait.....I don't usually take them down until July.
Then again my sister puts them up and takes them down. I told her I can't climb a ladder since I broke my ankle, (14 years ago).
Cold and nasty all weekend here, I'm staying in.
Have a happy day everyone.