But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.
Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas
gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long,
after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a
fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself.
While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man.
The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
Showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love.
(P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed.
That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother was coming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted.
The Elves had been playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down.
Father Christmas went to visit his Reindeer and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed.
What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his Whisky and there was nothing left to drink in his liquor cabinet. Deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of Coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off!
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles.
At that moment there was a knock at the front door.
Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree.
"Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?"
And that is why by tradition we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees.
There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first lady immediately had a stroke.
Then the second lady also had a stroke.
But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "Heeeeeeeeee's Riiiiiiiiight!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So?," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Two girls were hired to clean a big house.
The owners left for work and there was nobody home, so they decided to take their clothes off.
They worked naked for a few hours, when they heard the door-bell.
"Who is it?", one of the asked.
"It's a blind-man", answered the man from outside.
Since they realized he couldn't see them anyway, they decided to stay the way they were.
They opened the door, and the man said: "Hi, where do you want the blinds?"...
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.
"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.
"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and
wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash
up as far as possible."
"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"
Good morning everyboomie.
Too bad. I was hoping for March.
I'm dying to get out and do some hunting, but I really need lots of rain to wash away the leaves.
I'm afraid that won't happen until March or April.
Friday will be our warmest day, at 47 degrees, until Jan. 6th, and so.....not much going on for a while.
Here's hoping your day brings what you're hoping for.
Have a happy day everyone.