Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.
~Willie Nelson~
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A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers.
As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves.
The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out.
The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe.
The French man was next, and he requested a Saber.
"Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself.
The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe.
The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself.
As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "Just try and make a canoe outta this!"
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This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
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After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
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Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"
And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.
"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.
"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."
"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"
"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."
"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"
(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"
"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.
And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.
"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.
"Oh that, that was just a demo..."
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A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should.." "Why not?" the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I've had a real nice week visiting with my son, but I not only fell off the wagon, I bounced pretty hard when I hit the ground.
I enjoyed coffee every day with my usual cream and sugar, had chocolate cream pie that I bought for the company, and ate 3/4 of it myself, and I actually lost a few pounds.
I think the thing I enjoyed the most was the 2 burritos and 2 tacos I had at Taco Bell.
I don't get out much.
Josh left today, and as if to fill the void left behind, my friend brought Beau over to brighten my weekend.
I think Missy's happy too.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Enjoy your visit with Beau! 
with your race, Ana!
Venus enjoy your day. Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready. 
