I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
~Winston Churchill~
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A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,"How am I supposed to know?
We're 200 miles inland!"and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks,"Sweetheart, who was that?"
"I don't know,some dumb witch asking if the coast is clear."
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An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he knows you!".
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Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released
their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
audience.
Some examples:
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".
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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."
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A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee.
From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window.
A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I'm chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren't elephants in the city.
-You see? It's working!
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A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.
"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon."
"What did you do?" the little girl asked.
"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage."
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Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened one day that John's wife died. That very same day Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'
Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle.
The kindly old woman fainted.
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
A nuther day, a nuther 24 hours.
What say we all play hooky and go to the beach and swim and play volley ball?
Sounds like a sound plan to me. We're going all the way up to 55 sunny degrees.
In a nice secluded cove, with no breeze, the sand between our toes will be nice and warm.
I can't make any guarantees about how the water will feel like.
Wait.....I guess I can at that. I guarantee the water will be pretty darned cold.
Don't worry about that though. We'll bury ourselves in the sand and soak up the warmth.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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