Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking.
~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.~
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One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold.
The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs.
Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'.
The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea.
The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again.
The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs.
About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm.
Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
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Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead.
The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck."
He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over.
The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck.".
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There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
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A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own [blip] blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he
farted passed gas.
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A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My butt itches, and I can't scratch it!"
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A drunk, staggering down main street, somehow
manages to make it into a cathedral.
A priest watched him, as he crashed from pew to
pew, finally making his way into the confessional.
The priest, thinking the man needs his assistance,
proceeds to his side of the confessional.
His attention was rewarded with a lengthy silence,
followed by bodily gas being released.
The priest, battling extreme stench, finally asks...
"may I help you, my son?"
"Dunno"...came a slurred voice from the other side
..."you got any toilet paper?"
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Two Indians and a Cajun were walking in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. He hollered into the cave, "Wooooo! Wooooo!Woooooo!" and then listened until he heard the answer......."Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He then proceeded to tear his clothes off and run into the cave.
The Cajun was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the Indian crazy or something? "No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!", and get an answer back it means that she is in there waiting to mate with you."
Just about then, this Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave and hollered, "Woooo! Woooo! Wooooo!" When he heard the return "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!", off came his clothes and into the cave he went.
Well, the Cajun started thinking about all of this and decided to find a cave for himself so off he went running around the desert searching. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw a great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Mon Amie! Look at zee size of dat cave. Maybe, it's beegerr den de ones dat dose Indi-ons found. Der mus be sometin' really great in dis here cave hole!"
Well, he took off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" as loud as he could. He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of "WOOOOO! WOOOOO! WOOOOO!"
Off came his clothes and, with a huge smile on his face, he raced into the cave.....
The next day in the newspaper, the headline read.......
"NAKED CAJUN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!"
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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before
Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have
to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five
years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father
says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at
her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single
thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
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Joe asks his wife, Karen, what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new Mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Karen.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says Joe.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Joe asks.
"Joe, I'd like a divorce," answers Karen.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says Joe.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Another day, another.........well, you know.
I'm afraid I lost my originality gene yesterday when I sneezed.
More like last year really.
Some things don't need to be original though.
Like my sincere wish that you all have a super day.
joe
acebook
witter
