The Lord can give, and the Lord can take away. I might be herding sheep next year.
~Elvis Presley~
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine
gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break
and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay well away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
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John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump.
John; "What was that?"
Driver; "It was a cat"
John; "Why did you run it over?"
Driver; "Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!"
John; "Oh, fair enough"
A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus.
John; "What was that!!?"
Driver; "It was a dog"
John; "Why did you run it over?"
Driver "I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident"
John; "That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve"
The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud.
John; "What is it this time?"
Driver; "I hit an old lady"
John; "Oh my god. Is she alright?
Driver; "No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road."
John; "I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey."
The driver called for an ambulance and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver:
"If the big bump was the old lady, what was the small one?"
The driver simply replied "I had to go over the curb to get her!"
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On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps...
He whispers...
"Iron this, and get me something to eat."
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A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with
the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry
wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down enough to where he could open his left eye just enough to barely see her.
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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen
many books on the subject, and finally, after
getting all the necessary "tools" together,
she made for the nearest frozen body of water.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she
started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE
ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cut
yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to
the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool,
and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward,
and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No...this is the manager
of the hockey rink..."
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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you pass gas."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hump day already?
Well yesterday we stayed overcast and foggy for most of the day. We got up to 42 degrees, but it felt like 32 degrees.
I took the dogs to the park, and I tried like hell to imagine that I was walking on a warm beach. It didn't work.
I zipped up my parka and pulled the hood over my head, and my dogs couldn't recognize me.
They chased me back to the truck.
We are supposed to hit 59 degrees today. Yahoo!
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe! I had some confused dogs when it was cold and I'd put up my hood. I never wear anything on my head. They have to sniff me first. 
