You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
Winston Churchill
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Here are some really funny church bulletins and announcements:Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next week.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge. – Up Yours.”
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These are some of the best sport quotes and bloopers mistatements:“Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.”
-Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters
“Sure. I’m proud to be an American.”
-Cincinnati Reds rookie pitcher Steve Foster, asked by a Canadian customs agent if he had anything to declare.
“The Yankees are only interested in one thing, and I don’t know what that is.”
-Former Yankee outfielder Louos Polonia
“It’s a partial sellout.”
-Atlanta Braves broadcaster Skip Caray, trying not to say the game has only drawn 6,000 fans.
“Why does everybody stand up and sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ when they’re already there?”
-Larry Anderson, MLB pitcher
“Models are like baseball players. We make a lot of money quickly, but all of a sudden we’re 30 years old, we don’t have a college education, we’re qualified for nothing, and we’re used to a very nice lifestyle. The best thing is to marry a movie star”
-Cindy Crawford to the BBC
“I was thinking about making a comeback, until I pulled a muscle vacuuming.”
-Johnny Bench
I don’t care what the tape says. I didn’t say it.”
-Football coach Ray Malavasi
Most of my clichés aren’t original.”
-Chuck Knox, when he coached the Rams.
“Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.”
-Charles Shackleford of the NCSU basketball team
“Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.”
-Doug Collins
“I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”
-Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships.
“Are you any relation to your brother Marv?”
-Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert
“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
-Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
“I don’t want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.”
-Sherman Douglas
Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good.”
-Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)
“I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn’t spell it.”
-Boxing great Rocky Graziano
“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.
“He’s the man of the hour at this particular moment.”
-Don King
“You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.”
-Lou Duva, boxing trainer
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father”
-Greg Norman
“His nerves. His memory. And I can’t remember the third thing.”
-Lee Trevino on the three things that go as a golfer ages.
“I don’t think anywhere is there a symbiotic relationship between caddie and player like there is in golf.”
-Johnny Miller, TV analyst and pro golfer.
“Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same.”
-PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.
“My handicap is that I don’t have a big enough beer cooler for the back of my golf cart.”
-Pro football linebacker Rick D’Amico, on his golf handicap.
“(We) should be allowed to wear shorts. God almighty, (LPGA) women are allowed to wear ‘em, and we’ve got better legs than they do.”
-Greg Norman
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well we walked the creek this morning, my buddy Shane and I, and we did not find a single thing.
Then we came back home and had lunch, and then drove out to the sod farm, where we found more nothing.
I'm really tired this evening for some reason.
Better days are coming.
Have a happy Sunday everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Happy Day Everyone! 
(And practice some more as well. 
)
Sorry, I guess I was sleepy when I typed yesterday. I meet up with a dozen ladies I went to grade school with every year. You couldn't drag me out of the house to have brunch with any number of actual grade school girls. 
