May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
~George Carlin~
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Here are some funny courtroom mistakes based on actual transcriptsNow, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first
marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell.
And what is your marital status?
Fair.
Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
I show you exhibit 3 and ask you
if you recognize that picture.
That’s me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?
So you were gone until you returned?
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
Were you alone or by yourself.
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.
Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started
about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time,
is that correct?
No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
How long have you been a French Canadian?
Are you married?
No, I’m divorced.
And what did your husband do
before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn’t know about.
And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.
Were you present in court this morning
when you were sworn in?
How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
Well, a gal down the road had had several
of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said
he was really good.
Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
I will be three months November 8th.
Apparently then, the date of conception
was August 8th?
Yes.
What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you
are emotionally unstable?
I used to be.
How many times have you comitted suicide?
Four times.
Were you aquainted with the deceased?
Yes, sir.
Before or after he died?
Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
What happened then?
He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Did he kill you?
No.
Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed
on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed
on dead people.
Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
No.
What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.
When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
And lastly, Gary, all your responses must
be oral O.K.?
What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral.
What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
…and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
I didn’t see my scalp the whole time
I was in the hospital.
It was covered?
Yes, bandaged.
Then, later on.. what did you see?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.
What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that sonofabitch – and she did!
Do you drink when you’re on duty?
I don’t drink when I’m on duty,
unless I come on duty drunk.
…any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted
murder trial?
The victim lived.
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.
The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.
And was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well there's one thing I can tell you all with absolute certainty. I have NEVER been shot in the fracas.
Thank goodness for that. I don't think that would be very pleasant at all.
I figured out what to do with my time today. I decided to go to the lake and go fishing. I could even take Missy. That way I wouldn't have to buy any bait.
I got up and had breakfast, and then hopped in the truck, and drove out to the lake. When I got there and got out, I realized that I had forgotten something very important.
I don't fish.
No problem though, because I don't eat fish either.
We're going to be 65 degrees for Thursday.
I hope your day is a fantastic one too.
joe
acebook
witter
I'm sure Missy will enjoy just running around anywhere with you, fishing or not! 
I had 5 stores to visit, but most of them were close to one another, and all of the projects were pretty easy. Now I'm free to practice (very important) and game (almost as important 
Good night, everyone. 